The Most Dangerous Decision A Woman Can MakeOn patience, pride and choosing the person who will shape the rest of your life.
Lately, I’ve been noticing things happening around me that have made me realize just how important it is, as a woman, to choose the right life partner. In fact, I do believe it may be the single most important decision we’ll ever make. It is one of the few choices that can shape nearly every aspect of our lives. From our happiness, our peace, our future and in some cases, even our survival. We often treat marriage as a matter of compatibility or romance, but history—and far too many headlines these days—suggest otherwise. For many women, choosing the wrong partner is not merely a mistake. It can cost them their happiness, their financial security, sense of self and in the most tragic cases, even their lives. Having lived for nearly three decades and met people from many different backgrounds, I’ve witnessed surprisingly few marriages that I would consider genuinely healthy. Only one of them was within my own family. What I’ve noticed is that many unhappy marriages seem to begin from a place of fear: the fear of not being married by a certain age, the fear of being left behind, or the belief that marriage itself will heal their loneliness. Others begin with a quieter hope, through the wife’s belief that if she works hard enough, sacrifices enough and loves enough, she will eventually be loved in the way that she deserves. Too often, that hope becomes a burden. I’ve watched many women carry the weight of an entire household while their husbands grow increasingly passive: sitting on the sofa, scrolling through their phones, complaining when things don’t go their way, yet rarely noticing the labor being done for them. What saddens me most is not even the imbalance itself, but how often the wife stays despite being deeply unhappy. She tells her friends and relatives how exhausted she is, how unseen she feels and then softens the moment her husband offers a small gesture of affection. The bar becomes so low, that even the bare minimum feels like love. I don’t write this to shame married women, nor do I claim to understand every marriage simply because I’ve observed them from the outside. I know people could easily say, “You’ve never been married, you don’t know what it’s like.” Perhaps that’s true. But there is also value in being an observer. Looking in from the outside has made me more vigilant, not more judgmental. Sure, my own relationship is far from perfect either. And after having witnessed so many painful examples of marriage around us, my partner and I sees this as an enormous decision. It’s not something to rush into simply because time is passing, the biological clock is ticking or because everyone else seems to be doing it. That realization has become impossible for me to ignore. Whether through stories unfolding around me or cases dominating the news, I’ve been reminded that the person you choose to love is also the person you entrust with your safety, your future and your deepest vulnerabilities. The ongoing Lindsay Clark trial is one of many heartbreaking reminders of how the dynamics within a marriage can have devastating consequences. Not only for the spouses, but for entire families. So how do we know that we’ve chosen the right person?
Truthfully, I don’t think I have a definitive answer, ‘cause I believe that every relationships are different. Though people around me, often say that the key to a successful relationship is communication. While I don’t disagree, I’ve never found that answer entirely satisfying. Communication is a skill, anyone can learn to communicate better. But surely a lasting relationship is built on something deeper than simply talking things through, isn’t it? A couple of weeks ago, during a church service, a visiting pastor from Hong Kong—someone who had spent years counseling married couples and families—shared a perspective that had stayed with me ever since. He turned to the story of Jacob and Rachel from the Bible, how they first got married. Jacob had agreed to work for seven years to marry Rachel, only to be deceived by her father, Laban, into working another seven. So, fourteen years in total. Yet he remained steadfast because he believed Rachel was worth waiting for, even though by today’s standards, they had barely known one another (then again, this was the olden days). But his point wasn’t that every couple should wait fourteen years before getting married (can you imagine?). Rather, it was that: a man who is truly ready for marriage should understand that love is worth sacrifice, commitment and patience. Marriage, after all, is sacred enough that it should never be entered into out of impatience, societal pressure or the fear of being left behind. Especially when it feels as if everyone around me is getting married. When nearly every posts on my feed was one wedding photo after another, carefully curated and all. At this day and age, it’s really easy to fit other people’s timelines into our own, just because we’re starting to feel left out. And honestly? I don’t know whether there’s truly a foolproof way to know whether you’ve found the right person. Maybe there isn’t. But if marriage truly is one of the biggest decision we’ll ever make, then perhaps the wisest thing we can do is not to rush it. Better to wait for someone whose love is steady than to settle because we’re afraid of being the last one left behind. After all, a wedding lasts a day. The person you marry will shape every day that follows. It’s best to remember that. Sincerely, Cherie. The Whiffler is free today. But if you enjoyed this post, you can tell The Whiffler that their writing is valuable by pledging a future subscription. You won't be charged unless they enable payments.
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