A cute photo of my dog, Pablo, and his meatballs at a dog cafe. Oh, and his bottle of water too of course.

So I don't know if I've mentioned this here before, but I've struggled with an eating disorder in the past, as most men and women do at my age. Which is really scary now that I think about it because back then, social media hadn't really taken over our lives like it is today and yet, there have been many sufferers of various kinds of eating disorders. I couldn't imagine what it's like today, when social media is such a big part of our lives, that there's not a day goes by without us living by the rules set out by it, even unconsciously.

It had been such a tiring month, this February is. And there I was, foolishly thinking and hoping that January would be the only tiring month of this year but alas, life had shown me otherwise. How peculiar as well, that it's so natural for us to depend on time to fix most of the issues that we've got. Like for example, ignoring a little fixable problem for a later date, hoping that somehow, just by mere ignorance a miracle solution would appear and it'll solve itself. But then again, that's also not how it works.

Believe it or not, that was how my relationship was with my eating disorder*. I've simply left it all to time to fix itself, constantly convincing myself that it's not a big deal to struggle 'a little' to look a certain way, that all this would be worth it by the end. A necessary evil.

Whenever there were days where I'd find myself binge on food, breaking my so-called 'Rules for Living' and proceeded on to self-sabotage (sometimes even unconsciously), I'd have this alert somewhere in the back of my brain that I should stop. That this is wrong and it should be the last time I'd do this, this whole self-sabotaging. Yet like an addict, I'd forget it all and do it all over again and be reminded of it...all over again.

Instead I depended on time, clinging on to it for dear life. I believed, hoped and held on to the thought that once I'd be free and off to uni, I'd be fine. That I'd be too busy studying and having way too much fun to self-sabotage. It wasn't until I actually reached uni, that I've found myself still struggling with it.

It turns out there are instances where time does not heal things. Especially things that pertains to one's mental health. Although adapting to a new environment did take my mind off of things for a little while, there were still days whenever I was more tired than usual, for it to overtake me. It was...exhausting to say the least. I've already had so much on my plate as a foreign student after all.

Although once I've actually found the right amount of urge to confront this issue head on (by the help of a professional, of course and a certain podcast**), I started to enjoy my relationship with food. 'Cause I've always loved to eat, I've always enjoyed teasing and giving my taste buds some exercise on the different kinds of foods available out there. I could feel my mind getting a little healthier once this relationship I have is starting to settle. The voices tend to diminish along with the guilt that comes after enjoying food. I turned happier, more open and carefree. It felt like a newfound freedom.

However, despite being at peace with merely enjoying food, there were still days even today, where I'd feel that familiar guilt festering inside me if I've eaten more than the usual amount. That self-hatred would follow, where harmful thoughts after harmful thoughts would swarm my head with its toxicity. Constantly convincing me that everything would be solved if I simply did things that would sabotage myself, particularly my body.

I didn't want to tally all the calories I've consumed. I didn't want to overthink something so small, into something so big. I didn't want to care that I've added a bit more rice to my bowl for lunch just because I enjoyed it. Yet these toxic thoughts were so persistent and so ingrained in my brain that there were no way for me to rid of it.

It took me awhile to accept this though and it saddens me a little, that I'd constantly have this guilt gnawing at my insides even when I've eaten or snacked just a little too much. Though once I've accepted it, I started to be at peace with food. Due to stories I'd hear from podcasts, self-help books and advices from my therapist, I'd started to develop the necessary skills to sort of 'lie' to myself that eating a little more is fine. And it works. Even when there were days when it doesn't, when I'd be too exhausted to 'fight' these toxic thoughts, it wasn't as bad as how it was before.

So yeah, that's it.

What about you guys?

Sincerely,

Cherie.

**Armchair Expert podcast, hosted by Dax Shepard and Monica Padman available on Spotify and Apple Music. Go have a listen! (not sponsored by the way) 😉.

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