Inherently Pessimistic

Soye Soul

Jan 29

"When you're a child you long to be an adult and decide everything for yourself, but when you're an adult you realize that's the worst part of it. That you have to have opinions all the time, you have to decide which party to vote for and what wallpaper you like and what your sexual preferences are and which flavour yoghurt best reflects your personality. You have to make choices and be chosen by others, every second, the whole time."

Fredrik Backman, Anxious People

This past week hasn't been bright for me. On one of the days, I spent approximately 3 hours sitting on my bed listening to Don Moen and crying my eyes out.

Why was I crying? I'm not exactly sure. But was there a reason to cry? Yes. Did I have to cry? No.

There are a couple of things but for confidentiality, I'll just say: it's because I feel lost and in such a way that I feel I would keep going in circles and probably never be able to find a way forward. Gloomy, right?

I don't mean to bring such a weird vibe into the 'year of results' but I can't help but feel my feelings.

The day I broken down, my Aunt posted something about time and not always wanting to see the present (can't remember what exactly) and I responded with one of my favourite emoji '' then she asked 'Is there anything you want to talk about?' - cue the flood of tears that followed before I started typing.

From that conversation with her, I know to live life daily - not because one's life could either turn out to be long or short, but because the game is already rigged (a conversation we'll have later) and all you can really do is focus on the present.

Another thing I hate about adulting.

My GrandMa turns 80 today and I can't help but wonder how she felt at my age. Did she go through similar things like me? How was she able to stay sane while living life? How is she able to still find joy in life when she has definitely experienced pain she never thought she'll live through.

Life can really be overwhelming, and I feel it daily but at the end of the day what really can we do about it except moving forward.

Adulting is just us trying to keep it together while working, building relationships and trying not to end it. It's a little bit easier for some and more difficult for others, some know how to hold it in while others just cry their eyes out, but all in all, everyone is going through it.

And that is why I say I'm inherently pessimistic.

Even though there's an outlook of positivity and optimism, I just know deep down but not too far that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time.

Wind Down

Try This: Write down the things that cause you to feel anxious. Understand the situation and why you're feeling that way. That's the first step to getting it resolved - visualising.

Think On This: What is your go-to coping mechanism when you feel anxiety creeping in, and how has it been working for you?

Remember This: It usually gets better - not quickly, but steadily.

So, would you say you're inherently pessimistic and outwardly optimistic or the other way round?

Share your thoughts with me.

And say Happy 80th Birthday to my one and only GrandMummy.