In November 2022 I closed a huge chapter in my life: the PhD. I spent December finishing off bits and piece here and there: the UNLEASH Innovation Lab took place in Mysore, India, and I attended the wedding of a Global Shaper friend. I got back to my family on 24th December, and it felt as if I arrived from running a years-long marathon. When I thought about 2023, I felt exhaustion and excitement in the same time. I decided to embrace the transition period I am in, full of dreams: wanting to transition to full-time entrepreneurship, write more, create more, grow more.
So in January 2023 I started a diary: which I call The Goalless Diaries. I'm publishing the entries from the first three months of transition and what a journey it has been so far. As you will see, on some days I felt as if I knew what I needed to do and I was ready to take next steps. On other days I felt the blues of never knowing. At times I wrote long reflections, on other occasions I left only a question or two that popped into my head. I'm dedicating these pieces of thought to uncertainty, ups and downs, and exhaustion, all the necessary elements of growth.
01.01.2023
For the first time in my life, I started the new year without rushing into the next big goal. I finished my PhD in November 2023, and I'm happy with what I have in life right now. I'm dedicating this blog series to not having goals, living right into life, and to transition life periods.
03.01.2023
Not having goals feels like I'll lose competitiveness.
15.01.2023
I'm finding these days amazing, I'm finally creative once again. While writing my PhD dissertation I felt as if I lost my ability to write creatively, and now my thoughts are back. I'm back. I'm sleeping enough. I have the capacity to be curious: I Google things I genuinely feel interested in. Like whether a cold shower is good for me. I have the headspace to pay attention to what I eat. I do notice when I eat junk food or something unnecessary. I notice when I'm bored in a conversation or when I can't socialise any longer. It feels surprising how often I made substantial effort the last year to spend time with people when I was in fact exhausted. I notice when other people are stressed and I am not. It seems that this time they are running and I am finally not. I spend a lot more time in private. I speak less. I think more and less in the same time: I say more relevant things and less unnecessary words. I think more about simple things. I think less about the future. I notice when I'm not enjoying something. I notice when I do something because of the pressure, because I'm expected to. I leave when I want to. I'm also afraid. Where is this all going?
16.01.2023
The first day I started to really work after the vacations and holiday season. As I opened a work-related Word document, I got instantly stressed. This is probably because I'm working on an academic manuscript that has been in the making for over a year, it feels like an endless process. My co-authors comment, edit, add suggestions. So it all made me feel overwhelmed. I took a break and then a nap. I made quite some progress after, and I stopped feeling stressed about it.
19.01.2023
'I can't come to your thing, I have to be in London' – said a friend of mine to my invitation to a dinner I was organising in Budapest. The 'have to' part of it got me thinking. When one has to be somewhere, it possible means that one is needed in that place. The has to gives purpose to our existence. It helps with our existential fear. It of course automatically made me think that, well, as of now, I don't have to be anywhere. Does it mean I'm not needed? It remains interesting to be in transition.
24.01.2023
I arrived to Buenos Aires. Travelling made think whether I'm escaping reality. As if South America was so far away that it could take away all the problems, doubts, and questions I may have in Europe. I'm full of imposter syndrome: that the critiques on my papers are there because what I'm doing is ultimately unnecessary. That I'll always remain mediocre. And I'm exhausted: now that I finished one big piece of work, the PhD, surely will come a next big one, so the work and fighting is never ending.
Also. So I decided not set goals for myself when the year started. And then now I'm thinking….there is no time limit on not having a goal. Who will ever tell me to get myself together and set some meaningful timeframe and achieve something again?
10.02.2023
I travelled to Salta, to the north of Argentina for a month, I'll be doing some follow-up work for m PhD. I feel like my life makes sense. I'm enjoying writing, the words are flowing. The ideas are flowing. I feel excited about the opportunities that may arise soon, and feel hopeful about how they will work out in the future.
12.03.2023
I realised that actually it is a luxury to take time off and allow myself to be in transition. It also feels like too big of an ask to wait for my 'ideal life' to be working out. I'm lucky enough to still have a job while I transition, and I don't have to send money back home so the others survive. I'm overwhelmed by the feeling of guilt!
19.02.2023
I had an asthma attack last night. I ended up at the emergency. It was horrible, I thought I was going to die. Then after half hour of intravenous treatment they sent me home, I was fine. While sitting in the wheelchair, waiting for treatment, I thought: I'll quit all the things I find boring, and I will never stress about other people's expectations again, it's just not worth it.
23.02.2023
On the way to a dream trip, to the Atacama Desert! I feel privileged, and as happy as ever. Can't believe it.
24.02.2023
I had another emergency, I ended up in the hospital in San Pedro de Atacama…turns out it's not asthma attacks I've been getting, but a bad side effect of the asthma medication that I've been using. Sitting in the wheelchair again, barely able to move, I thought, well I was so close to seeing the lamas in the mountains… Joke aside, it felt like life has become so short. And that I am so fragile. Any moment I'm still alive, and I should be happy for it. I always thought that an occasion like this one would be the moment when I start believing in God, or when I start feeling the ultimate truth. While these didn't happen, I did feel that things were in order and just all right in my life.
27.02.2023
In the past days I've been feeling distant, in a good way. Since the emergencies I experienced I don't get stressed by things that used to frustrate me. Also, when I'm not interested in something, I actually can't get myself to do it.
28.02.2023
I had a job interview today. I didn't apply for the job, I was recommended for it. It got me really frustrated. I have just completed a PhD and they wanted me, specifically me, to coordinate meetings and make sure there's an agenda prepared. They need an AI or need to recruit an assistant. I sent them some links to AI assistants and rejected the offer.
I nevertheless feel somewhat guilty about having rejected the job…we're in the middle of an economic crisis, and WHAT IF no other opportunities ever come? Then I will have wasted the perfect opportunity for me to be employed at least for some time.
01.03.2023
Okay somehow my three-things-a-day trick is not going well right now. I keep getting more stuff in my mind, there's more going on. I started listing extra stuff.
05.03.2023
I made sleeping, eating well, being okay and meeting with friends a priority from January to March 2023. What if these remain the priority forever?
06.03.2023
Bad day. Nothing makes sense: it feels that I failed at literally everything. Why have I rejected job offers before? It also feels like my actual skills are worth nothing.
07.03.2023
So I may have long COVID. I keep being sick, and it's not really going away, and I'm tired very very often. Now, how can one maintain the idea that things will always work out for good?
10.03.2023
I re-read the introduction to this blog. I feel as if I moved away from the initial goal, living right into life. I switched into planning mode very quickly.
13.03.2023
So over the weekend I was at a Global Shaper conference in Cordoba, Argentina. At night, I had a conversation with a Shaper who was surprised that I was planning all the different ways in which my life could work out. Plan B, what's that for? What does it serve? You'll always make the best possible choice given the circumstances. Like the water finds its way down the mountain, whatever the circumstances.
22.03.2023
That thought is back, from January when I was travelling to Buenos Aires. That travelling has become my way out. When things are challenging, when I feel that it's hard to make friendships abroad, I go somewhere else. When I see the car moving, the plane taking off, I feel excitement. But that excitement may also be covering up uncertainties.
27.03.2023
Is there such thing as a career break? Can you ever break away from learning and growth? Is it a responsible decision at a time when you have all the resources and tools to create things for the better?
28.03.2023
I'm planning my months ahead. I realised that I don't want to travel alone, not because I'm afraid of loneliness, but because I am anyways in so many situations where I'm the outlier or the one feeling alone: the expat, the digital nomad, the Hungarian, the one who's in some way new or doesn't completely belong.
TO BE CONTINUED
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