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There's so much things going on, in these past few weeks that I've simply forgotten doing anything else but the things I'm supposed to be doing daily. I've been trying to focus only on one thing: to get through the day as how I've always had and to leave everything else for the next day. But alas, I wasn't really successful in that regard. Instead, I find myself barely managing my time well, had little sleep, and am feeling the effects of it all mentally and physically, all at once.
Few weeks or months ago, I remember writing about there being days where things or activities that would've usually eased my exhausted mind, wouldn't work as well as they were supposed to. It's like my body's getting used to a medicine that I've been taking regularly. Only medically, it would've been easily fixed. Either the dosage would've been increased or I'd have to stop taking the medicine for a time. But mentally though? That's the hard part. Because these 'things' aren't pills. They're things that I do, habits that I've found effective in helping me get by as normally as possible. They quiet my mind.
It made me feel like a duck. On the surface, I may look like I'm going through my days swimmingly, enjoying the calm waters, while underneath my legs are flapping like crazy just to keep me afloat and moving. And gosh is it oh, so easy to fool everyone. I've got so many years of putting my 'calm' mask on, that most of the time I've forgotten to take it off, even when I'm alone.
And the thing is I've done so much work, so much therapy sessions back in the day that I recognize that this inability to take my 'mask' off is concerning. How long until I grow claustrophobic and force it off? The wait feels like a ticking time bomb, waiting just for the right situation or simply the right triggers to make me explode and I'm scared. I'm anxious that when...or if, it explodes, that I can't piece myself back together.
But what kept me going is this: the thought that everything's temporary in this world. Nothing ever truly stays, not even our emotions. It changes, the level of it all varies from time to time depending on the situation at hand. So what makes this 'weight' so special, that it'd stay? Because it's not. It's not going to. I just simply have to bear this out like any other 'weights' I've bared over the years.
Sure, I'm too busy and exhausted to think of any other things I could do to get through this unscathed. In the meantime, what helps me most is to surround myself with my loved ones and just...hangout. Distract myself a little just so I could have a momentary illusion where I'm not carrying all this invisible weight in my shoulders. I'll just have to do whatever it takes to get through this, until I'm well-rested enough to tackle it all one by one. Only then, I believe, that I'll feel like myself again.
So it's okay, if you too, have been feeling the same. There's just something about this month that feels weirdly isolating. I don't know, maybe it's just me. But either way, I'm just saying that it's okay to fail. To leave all the work you've done on yourself for a small period of time to rest, before picking it all back up once you're mentally in the space to do so. It's okay. No one who've been through this have ever said it's easy, but it's certainly worth a try. We've all got to get on with our lives as happily as possible, after all.
Sincerely,
Cherie.
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