Growing up in a traditional yet lenient Jewish household, I grew to love my religion and be proud of my Jewish identity. Though I don't keep as many commandments today as I did back when I lived in Canada, there is one commandment that I consider as ironclad and which I never ever want to break, and that is the second of the Ten Commandments - the prohibition of idolatry. This is why when we moved to Canada, we started keeping the commandments a little more than we did when we lived in Israel. We weren't Chozrei Bitshuva (penitent?) or anything like that. But I think that living in exile made us feel the need to safeguard our identity by becoming a little more religious than before, to avoid assimilation and turning into goyim. And avoiding Avoda Zara (idolatry).
When I was eight and went to public school in Canada, we went on a field trip to St. Joseph's Oratory (in Montreal). The other kids in the class, who were not Jewish, told each other that they need to clasp their hands together when walking into the church. I refused to do that, obviously, but I refused so strongly that I did the literal opposite and held my hands wide apart, stretching them out at either sides of my body. I also closed my eyes when we walked through the chapel. I did not want to see any crucifixes or whatever else because that is idolatry. I don't cross my fingers, I don't cross my heart, I don't knock wood. Idolatry. Plain and simple.
However, I always loved to learn about other religions. And later on I grew to appreciate churches, especially the ones with elaborate architecture and art (like the ones in the Vatican and and Santa Maria in the Monserrat). But in the back of my mind, I kept repeating to myself "I can learn it but not believe it".
Then, when I started listening to metal and reciting by heart all the Satanic lyrics - "Master Lord Lucifer" (Deicide) or "Satan, Leviathan, Belial, Lucifer, I will kiss the goat" (Mercyful Fate) - I still considered it as nothing more than art and said "I can sing it but not believe it".
Through my work as part of the worldwide zine community, I also came into contact with witches who make zines. My friend from Salem was my constant penpal and she kept sending me a bunch of things related to paganism and witchcraft. She sent me stuff like crystals and other things that were "blessed" by a coven of witches. I politely said thank you, and then returned these things to nature. I didn't want them in my house because that too is idolatry. I couldn't say "I can own it but not believe it". Then, I remember this one time where my friend told me that they have some kind of full moon ritual and that I can join them if I ever make it to Salem some day. Again, I politely said thank you, but I explained to her that this is a little pushing it for me. Although I understood that Jews can be witches too (and was reminded of one of my friends' witticism when identifying herself as "Jewitch"), participating in a pagan ritual was definitely NOT ok in my book. To me, that was the very thing that the Second Commandment forbids.
After spending over a decade in a private Jewish school, I thought I learned almost everything there is to know about Judaism. We studied four out of the five books of the Torah (we left out Leviticus because it was nothing but rules and commandments we had no interest in), we studied the Book of Prophets, the Book of Writings, the Mishnah and the Talmud and all that stuff.
We never learned Kabbalah, we were never told about the Zohar, I never knew any of the great Rabbis of Jewish mysticism, and we definitely never read any books or texts of Jewish folklore. I grew up assuming that these underground teachings either did not exist or were idolatry too. So you can imagine my surprise when I found out that yes, such teachings do exist and they do make up a part of Judaism and are not considered as idolatry.
Recently, I got hold of four minizines and a bigger full-length zine about Jewish mysticism by Ezra Rose. I was attracted to these zines initially because they had a bit of Hebrew in them and thought I had finally found another Jewish zinester. The subject of the zines were those that I associated with Avoda Zara - things like demons, magic, and demonic possession - and was shocked to see that these elements appear in Jewish texts that I never read in school.
It wasn't until only a few years ago that I first heard the term "Dybbuk". This was never mentioned in any of my classes, and I assumed that the word can't possibly be Hebrew because it has no basis in Judaism. But it is, and when I hear the word today, it simply reminds me of the Hebrew word for "Glue" (devek) or "to stick" (lehadbik), which I suppose is what a Dybbuk does - sticks to its host.
With all the horror movies I saw, and my preferred genre of theological thrillers, I happen to know a lot more about the Christian version of demons and Satan and possessions. The only thing I did know about "evil" was that Jews don't believe in hell, and the concept of "evil" in my religion is more abstract. We talk about the evil eye and the evil tongue and Yetzer Hara (evil will) as our abstract form of Satan. But reading Ezra Rose's zines, I realized how much more elaborate that issue is, while at the same time being entirely different from the Christian concept of these entities.
Ezra does mention that what they wrote in their zines is just a small portion of the many different opinions and views expressed in various religious texts about these entities. It got me thinking about how I came to believe that Judaism is a malleable religion and can be made to fit any system and set of values. Many years ago, I started to form my own theological text. It was not Torah Be'Ktav (written law) and it was not Torah Be'al-peh (oral law) but rather Torah Ba'Lev (Torah in the heart, or the mind). This is what I believe.
I believe in the One True God. God is not a person, it has no face or any form that can be recognized by the human mind. God is a transcendent force that can be felt by the spirit. The neshamah (the soul) is a part of God that lives inside the human body when the person is alive in this world, and it goes on living outside of the human body when the person dies and the soul moves on to another world - the spirit world. When the Torah says that God created humans in His image, it refers to the image of the spirit, the one that cannot be seen, not the physical body. Although God is referred to in the male gender, God has no gender (that is a widespread belief in the Jewish faith, and not just my own). I refer to God in Hebrew as "Elohima" which makes it sound more female and also more maternal (like "Ima" or "Mother" in Hebrew) because although I believe She has no gender, I connect to Her more when I refer to Her as female. When the scripture talks about tchiyat hametim (the resurrection of the dead), it once again does not refer to the physical body, but rather the spirit which will go on living in the spirit world. The resurrection is basically moving out of the material world and being born into the spirit one. Miracles happen constantly whether we notice them or not. But these miracles are happening because God put them in motion in a way that humans can understand - i.e. science. When we can explain an occurrence scientifically, it does not negate the miraculous or divine aspect of it. Just like humans have their physical form (science) and their spiritual form (divine), so does nature and everything in it. The creation of the universe and the creation of the world goes hand in hand with the creation described in Genesis. The chaos in the Torah is the big bang in science. The order in which the world was created fits in perfectly with the theory of evolution - first the sea creatures, then reptiles, then mammals, then humans at the very end. When the Torah talks about the "big alligators", it's literally the dinosaurs. The six days of creation in the bible are a metaphorical representation of the different stages of prehistory. Jesus is a charismatic historical figure with no divine qualities. The Christian version of Satan does not exist. There is no hell. When the spirit moves on to the next world, it is judged according to its actions on earth, and depending on the verdict, the soul is placed either close to the light of God or far away form it. The soul craves the Divine Light so the closer it is to it, the more it is at peace. A person's soul can ascend even after the person dies when the person's living loved ones perform rituals, prayers or dedications for the ascension of the soul of the deceased (this is also a widespread practice in Jewish circles). Angels are responsible for the many elements in our universe. I especially love thinking of the moon as an angel. There are dark forces in the universe that can manifest in this world if called upon, but best not to do it. Avoid the evil eye as much as possible. Sacred or religious items can be used to ward off the evil eye (mezuzot, pictures of religious scripture with the name of God printed in large font hanging around the house, a Hamsa with Birkat Habayit hanging in the house as well, etc.).
Maybe some may consider my views as blasphemous. I don't really care. What I do know is that once I read the book The Way of God by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (the Ramchal), I found that much of what he writes validates what I believe.
Back to Ezra Rose's zines, the feeling I got while reading them was one of belonging. I recall reading zines by other zinesters about being a witch, what witchcraft is, different rituals, things like altars, sigils, holidays, oracles, and a bunch of other pagan things, and felt just as I did when I learned about other religions. "I can read it but I don't believe it." And I don't identify with it. And to be perfectly honest, I feel a little left out. It seems as though the subject of witchcraft suddenly became mainstream in the zine scene. I'm happy that paganism and witchcraft got the recognition it deserves, and that more people talk about it. But I'm not a witch. I have no interest in becoming a witch, and as a result, I have trouble feeling like a part of the zine community when so much of it became overwhelmingly witchy. And then I came across Ezra's zines and suddenly I don't feel so left out anymore. They talk about all these magic elements from a Jewish perspective, and this time I can actually say "I can read it, and I can believe it" because it is a part of my religion. It's not Avoda Zara.
Peace, love and make mysticism an elective in Jewish schools immediately!
Riot Grrrl 
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