WinterABC2023 Rekindling the fire: Day 22- I will bite you and not apologize!

tcndangana

Jun 30

It is typical of an African to ask you:

Why you are not married?

When will you have a kid?

will you bring your partner home?

When I was five years old I bit my sister on her back because she could not share a toy with me. I had begged her to give it to me but she refused so I resorted to violence, so I bit her on her back. The cries of my eight-year sister brought my mother to our room and the moment she walked into our room I immediately told her what happened. To my surprise, my teeth had left evidence that indeed I had passed by. Ma told me to sit on the bunk bed while my sister was taken to the living room. The moment that Ma walked out of our room we lost power and I remember crying until my mother came to get me.

Everyone excluding my family has been asking me when will I get married or bring the mukwasha home for introductions. Do you have a husband for me or are you going to pay the bills and make me love someone who doesn't love me? To be honest my family will only pressure you to do something that will help you grow like going back to school or learning a new skill. We all learnt it from Sekuru Maposah. I was only eleven when my great-grandmother died but she always told my aunts how she wished to have grown up in a time when she could choose someone to marry not being forced to marry because her family benefited already. Gogo VaMaMoyo would encourage my aunts to choose happiness and to come back home when things did not work out. Even though I do not feel the pressure at home I know there are some girls my age who will bend to the pressure and end up getting married because they are tired of their mother's questions. A friend told me that she got married because her mother could not stop talking about having a grandchild. As we were having the conversation I began to wonder if she is happy or if she even loves her partner.

My teacher told me that you need to get married because you want to and he said "Men can be difficult but women can be difficult too". But I understood what he meant, you can marry someone who will force you to give up on your dreams and you become dependent on him. I am one of those people who know that I will not survive divorce because ghosting and breakups have been difficult for me. All I want is to marry right, marry once and I hope it stays that way until my body is laid on the cold soil.

Dear woman, the same people who will pressure you to get married can also force you to stay in a toxic marriage and even laugh at you when you decide to go back to your parent's house. This life belongs to you and do the right thing and always choose yourself.

To the woman asking the young woman to get married, it is time you stop. Stop comparing your children let them make the decision on their own. This is not about you having the Mbuya or Gogo title, just because you want to compete with your neighbour or churchmates.

With my biting experience, I give all the young women authority to bite (it can be to ignore or not to explain themselves) anyone who asks them when they will get married.

Thank you for being part of my journey during the #WinterABC2023. Four podcast episodes and twenty-two blog posts and I am still standing it has been an adventure. Take care-The Baobab

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