November have been a month filled with self-discovery. I've truly learned so much about myself within this very month, even more than I did last year if I had to be honest. While last year's discoveries were leaning more towards the physical aspects of my surroundings due to the world being just recovered from COVID-19, this month was all about discovering new things and reminding myself of important values I've held dear and ways to keep holding onto them.
Like most climaxes to any story, it all started when I've succumbed to drowning deeper into my problems and all the negative thoughts surrounding it, letting it all take me whole. There was a period of time, sometime around early to mid-November when I'd remember when my days would always be heavy and my nights, darker than ever. And this is me despite trying everything from exercising, to getting enough vitamin Ds, to spending more time in my garden but none of that did the trick like it used to.
Maybe it's just me in my caffeinated, manic state but I have a sense that people noticed these changes in me as well. My dad have been the most vocal out of them all, constantly pointing out about my deteriorating posture, my sleepy eyes, my rollercoaster mood. He did it all with such innocence, like a kid pointing things out to their parents in a park, that I can't help but wonder if he's truly messing with my head or he just simply wants to know what the hell is going on with his daughter. Though I applaud him for his bravery. Many people who has daughters or a daughter herself, like me, would know it'd be like poking a sleeping bear.
It distracted me a little, his constant poking, because in a way he sort of forced me into being more self-aware of how I was acting both at work and at home. And it's not like we're all supposed to be all sunshine and smiles all the time. We're all entitled to our own bad days, but it doesn't mean that we should create bad days for others too even if we are having one. Or in my case, bad months. Just simply...be pleasant, be approachable and don't scare the shit out of people. That's my new motto.
Like fate, the Coldplay concert came at the right time. I was having one of the most stressful months already and was determined to enjoy that concert to the fullest even if my head and heart was heavy. I believed that listening to Coldplay belting out my favorite songs live would heal it all.
It did, spectacularly, I might add. For 2-3 hours while my best friend and I stood under the rain with our thin, overpriced raincoats being pushed around by the crowd, I realized that we were both one of the luckiest ones. This concert came when we both needed a deeper kind of comfort more than anything else, and a large, staggering reminder that although we may feel old in our bones, we're never too old to dance in the rain. Literally and figuratively. (I know it sounds cheesy but it checks out, okay? Can you blame me for growing up during the Tumblr era?)
Us in our 'thin, overpriced raincoats'.
Everyone has their problems, may it be large or small. Despite what I post on social media, despite how good everything all looks online and the way I carry myself to others I still struggle daily to continue on living. It wasn't that I didn't want to live. It's the beautiful fact that I really do, want to live, that I try so hard.
Day by day, I've been hearing things from people my age about how tired they are, how they want to 'die' already. How being an adult is harder than what society around us made it out to be when we were kids. This life, these problems, certainly weren't what was promised when we were kids in school. But it is what it is, you know? We're just unfortunate to be dive into a world that had been so broken and selfish whilst being forced to pretend to enjoy it all. To be grateful.
Us stuck outside a hospital next to the stadium 'cause it was still raining and we're still looking for a cab.
How are we supposed to do that, you may ask?
Back then I was the most negative person in all my social circle. If anyone liked to talk about death, or sad things it'd be me. My younger self was the epitome of my 'sad girl' era.
However as I get older I forcefully push that aside and simply learn to look for more reasons to live. I made a list in my head about all the things I love about my life instead of the things I despise. I plant them all in my mind cabin (because in my mind palace, I have a wooden cabin much like Taylor Swift's 'Folklore'), just so it'd grow into a big strong tree and who knows, maybe it'd transform into a beautiful tree house filled with my favorite flowers.
So here's my advice to you all who are going through what I was going through: learn to love living. That's how you'd slowly find yourself wanting to live, wanting to survive your days just like what I'm doing. Many have simply said to 'just learn to live with it' but what I've realized while I swayed to Coldplay's 'Yellow' in the rain, is this: very little to no one have said to learn to love living. So do it. Learn how to truly love living your life and you'll find yourself gradually be more accepting and understanding towards yourself and your surroundings.
Sincerely,
Cherie.
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