In her new series My Shorts Alice gives a quirky take on midlife in the UK. Part 4 spies on the world of Christmas as seen from a completely sober writer. Best bit:
Champagne or gas bill?
Dear Santa
All I want is to be heavily medicated for Christmas.
Send me extra Prozac to tide me over the festive period 'cos Boots is closed.
Open the hatch on Christmas day for my free shot of methadone - down the hatch!
Santa - give me lots of sweet treats so I can numb my brain in a sugar rush then feel the void when it wears off.......then........ugh...........
Send me Netflix and Disney Channel and Doctor Who and even Amazon Prime (shhhh....don't tell anyone) and let them all do that thing where they move to the next episode automatically so I can spend hours pretending to be a younger richer American who can afford dentistry, central heating and fruit.
Dearest Santa baby, all I want is to be heavily medicated for Christmas.
Open the pubs all day and tempt me with cheap beer and a wetherspoons breakfast at 9am and make this seem ok because everyone is doing it so.........that's ok.
And Santa sweetie - help me to believe in Black Friday, Blue Monday and something called 'Twixmas' so the system can go on munching me up until I book my summer holidays with Thomsons even though I'm not in the 2.4 club.
Santa, I mean it bro - let me stay heavily medicated. Let me count the ways to do it............It's the season to be jolly but I want to go further. I want to stay not feeling anything.
Alice is unmedicated and nearly 7 years' sober. Find her at 361diamond.co.uk
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