Before last week, Kristi Noem was a leading contender to be Trump's running mate. Then, a social media dog pile threatened to end her candidacy before it even began. It's time for me to pile on. And that is why South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem is malaka of the week.
The Guardian was the first to report on an anecdote shared by the MAGA Governor in her upcoming book:
In 1952, as a Republican candidate for vice-president, Richard Nixon stirred criticism by admitting receiving a dog, Checkers, as a political gift
In 2012, as the Republican presidential nominee, Mitt Romney was pilloried for tying a dog, Seamus, to the roof of the family car for a cross-country trip.
But in 2024 Kristi Noem, a strong contender to be named running mate to Donald Trump, the presumptive Republican nominee, has managed to go one further – by admitting killing a dog of her own.
"Cricket was a wirehair pointer, about 14 months old," the South Dakota governor writes in a new book, adding that the dog, a female, had an "aggressive personality" and needed to be trained to be used for hunting pheasant.
What unfolds over the next few pages shows how that effort went very wrong indeed – and, remarkably, how Cricket was not the only domestic animal Noem chose to kill one day in hunting season.
We've gone from Checkers to Cricket in 72 years. Unlike Gov. MAGA Malaka, Tricky Dick never harmed a hair on Checkers' head. Julie and Tricia wouldn't have stood for it. This makes Noem a shittier parent than Nixon. It doesn't get much worse than that.
Noem also whacked an old goat. I'm being literal here, y'all She claims that she related this story:
To illustrate her willingness, in politics as well as in South Dakota life, to do anything "difficult, messy and ugly" if it simply needs to be done.
This is one of the creepiest things I've read in a long time. Rural people have different ideas about animal husbandry and wifery than us urban types. BUT most Americans aren't down with dog killing unless it's an elderly pooch; puppy killing is unthinkable for everyone but Gov. MAGA Malaka.
The goat slaying got my goat, so I decided to consult with Sonny Boy Williamson:
Gov. MAGA Malaka defended the indefensible on the platform formerly known as Twitter:
I can't understand *why* she really told this story. Dog love is not just a liberal thing: I've known some right-wing dog rescue types who would have taken on a troubled wirehaired pointer whose owner couldn't or wouldn't train her dog properly. If only Noem had taken as good care of Cricket the dog as she does her choppers:
As to the goat slaying, I also consulted with Junior Wells:
I'm sure none of the blues greats who played with Wells would put a goat down before its time even one Noem described as:
"nasty and mean", because it had not been castrated. Furthermore, the goat smelled "disgusting, musky, rancid" and "loved to chase" Noem's children, knocking them down and ruining their clothes.
So, you could kill the goat but not castrate it? Goats can't fix themselves, Gov. MAGA Malaka. This one is down to you. This testicular detail is making me, well, testy.
It's time for one more goat song:
New York Magazine's Margaret Hartmann wrote an amusing piece postulating three theories why Noem wrote about her time as a critter killer:
- Kristi Noem is an incredibly bad politician.
- Kristi Noem is trying to impress Trump, and he hates dogs.
- Kristi Noem wants off Trump's VP shortlist.
I'm dubious about the third theory: She'll never be elected president on her own. This is her only chance to climb to the top of the greasy pole.
I'd like to add a fourth theory to the Hartmann postulate: Kristi Noem is a stupid, crude, and clueless person who is unfit to visit the West Wing, let alone have an office there. And that is why Kristi Noem is malaka of the week.
The last word goes to Leon Russell followed by Glen Campbell; neither of whom was a puppy killer.
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