I have always been indecisive. There are a bunch of reasons I am sure myself and a therapist can dig up. Possibly, growing up with multiple interests and passions and being made by society to feel like I can only choose one. Perhaps the analytical side of me cannot stop weighing pros and cons of every decision I can potentially make. Could also be a result of insecurities which have created a distrust in my own judgement. Or trauma has created a fear of whether the choice I make would be the right one or the absolute worse one. It could very well be a personality trait. I don't even know and that's one rabbit hole I don't think we have time to venture down today, Alice.
For an indecisive person, it's a pretty big deal to stumble upon something that you feel absolutely certain about. Often times, we make decisions based on factors like availability, convenience, someone else's suggestion, survival etc, so when we find something that we decidedly want. Wow. I can't even put it into words. But what I can put into words is this: usually finding a decision we want to make doesn't necessarily stop the old habit of indecision from trying to rear its confusing head. The issue becomes not what decision to make but rather of series of "are you sure?" questions.
I've been stuck in that bubble multiple times in my life and even currently. For the first time in a long time, I've taken a chance on something. My career. I've done the jobs for survival, and the jobs for availability. I've taught myself to be disciplined and eager, if not passionate, toward whatever I was doing. I'm grateful for every opportunity in my life, but this time, it's a natural gratitude, not one of those "create an attitude for gratitude" moments.
Movies, television shows and books all have to cover introduction, conflict, climax and resolution in limited timeframes and for someone who enjoys all these modes of entertainment, I can become a bit impatient when life doesn't match the same speed. That impatience doesn't help when mixed with indecision and questioning of every decision ever made. When things are not looking the way I expect it, I'll admit, I start to get paranoid. The indecision bunny comes hopping into my mind, questioning if I was certain about the decision I made and maybe I should make another, but then would I be giving up early, oh, but no, I need to be logical about this, but what about creativity, but...but...but
Indecision is a pain in my butt with all the but's and the what if's.
So how does one deal with it? Franklin D. Roosevelt once said that "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear". Nelson Mandela said "Courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear". When you found that thing that's more important than the fear of the decision, then you've got to choose it. You may still be afraid, and the outcome can both be everything you've dreamt or everything you've feared. But you do it. When you feel it in your heart and bones and you know it's for you, you go after it, and you don't let the fear of what if stop you.
I spent so much time in my bedroom growing up, imagining a what if life and now, on the cusp of 30, having lost, not one but, 2 family members, I still imagine a what if life. I imagine it and then I try my best to create it. I may never create all of it; might just create a semblance of a quarter of it, but I'll still try because when it feels nice, do it right. Do it wrong. Do it till it's successful or till it crashes and burns. Force yourself to make that decision. Indecision might be a trait of mine, but it doesn't have to be a habit.
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