Submitted from New York
Afternoon, I was just calling to cancel an order I made.
May I know the reason?
Well, the person I was talking to just ended things with me… (awkward moment of silence)
Oh Honey, let me see what I can do.
I tell myself I'll be okay; this moment too shall pass. At the moment, these words felt like lies that I was forcing myself to believe, but I had to start somewhere.
Everything was going fantastic until the blindsiding phone call. I vaguely remember freaking out for a minute, then telling this person I respect them and wish them all the best in their future endeavors. Let's be real; I was hoping this person would say this was all just a spur-of-the-moment freakout, but of course, that did not happen. I was actually proud of myself for holding it together during my phone call. Then I proceeded to shake from head to toe. (Honestly, with the current weather in California, one can't tell if this was due to the emotions or the chill air.) In the upcoming days, I spilled my guts out to a total stranger at Barnes and Nobles unintentionally by the self-help aisle. I walked straight into trash cans on the street. Oh, and my favorite—knocked down a shelf of Oreos. Oh boy, this was not going to be easy, I told myself.
GET YOURSELF TOGETHER! So I threw myself into my work. But I used my creativity as my outlet for my pain as well. I painted, wrote poems, and read as much as I could. During this time, I told myself this pain is only temporary. In retrospect, what this did for me was actually help me feel every emotion and feeling I was going through. Rather than overanalyzing past text messages and trying to figure out where I went wrong, I understood that I felt sad because I missed having this relationship in my life. And that is okay; it only makes me human to miss someone who was part of my life. Over time, I stopped hoping to see this person's name as part of my morning messages and slowly replaced that with excitement for the things I had on my to-do list.
Then came rebuilding, and protecting what it is that I want to do in life—my purpose. So let me use this space to create and really just feel this emotion that I've never experienced before. I told myself this pain is temporary and that I have a purpose that I am working towards, and that's something that needs my attention. So I did allow myself to get distracted, but I redirected myself by saying, it's okay, you had a moment, now back to your purpose.
After some time and reflection, I realized I couldn't bring myself to be mad at this person because they spoke their truth. I was well within my right to be hurt, disappointed, and irritated with the situation, but I could not find it within myself to be mad at the person. When an adult says they cannot do something, that means they cannot do something, regardless of whatever reason comes afterward. This person is stating that they cannot do something with you, and that is their truth. The only thing I can do at that point is wish them the best in their future endeavors, remind them they have my number, and let that person have the autonomy to grow with or without me.
I truly see life as a journey. Each individual is on their own path and destination they want to reach. And as I embark on this journey, there will be people that I will cross paths with. For a moment or for a while, they too will be part of my journey. Whether people leave my life for good or return is something I cannot control. What I can control is my actions and striving towards my purpose and being grateful for the experiences and the people who I have in my life. I can only work towards my purpose and go towards destinations I want to reach.
Kurt Gödel once said that every non-trivial (interesting) formal system is either incomplete or inconsistent. I think this might apply to life as well. Each experience, each person we encounter, adds to the complexity and richness of our journey. And while it may not always make sense or feel complete, it is through these moments of pain, growth, and reflection that we truly find our strength and purpose.
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