Honestly, I didn’t want to write about this at first. The topic had been nudging at the back of my mind for days. It’s just that I’ve been hesitating to write this because it feels incredibly uncomfortable and too personal. But I can no longer help it, it seems. It feels like the words won’t stop until I let them out. So here goes. The truth is, not enough people, especially women, realize how toxic female friendships can be. Much like being in an unhealthy romantic relationship, we often stay friends with people who don’t bring out the best in us. Sometimes, they gaslight us into doing things that go against our values, or talk behind our backs while smiling to our faces. And yet we stay, out of loyalty and fear of confrontation, or simply because we don’t recognize the toxicity for what it is. In many ways, we expect romantic relationships to fail more often than friendships. We’re quicker to spot red flags in a partner than in a friend. Based on my experience, toxic romantic relationships are often easier to recognize, and easier to walk away from. With friendships, especially between women, the toxicity can be subtle and deeply hidden. We’d go for years before we realize it ourselves, and most of the time it’s when the damage is done. And that’s because we tend to hold our friendships to a higher standard. We tolerate more, make more excuses and stay longer than we probably should, in the name of loyalty. Don’t get me wrong, though, this is not an attack on women supporting women, nor is it a blanket statement about all female bonds. I’m not saying that we should distrust each other or stop investing in the idea of ‘sisterhood’. I’m just saying that we should be more self-aware how toxic female friendships can be. It’s not always loud or obvious. It often shows up subtly in backhanded compliments, passive-aggressive remarks, or in the way you feel drained rather than uplifted after spending time together. If you start to notice that your friend consistently makes you question your worth, downplays your achievements, or only shows up when it benefits them, that’s a sign that something simply isn’t right. Believe it or not, I once heard a woman tell her friend that her back looked “so big”, it was like she was “carrying a backpack”. Instead of calling out the comment for how rude it was, the friend just laughed it off, as if it were a harmless joke because she claimed that “they’ve been friends for so long”. But I could see how those kinds of remarks were slowly chipping away at her self-esteem, little by little. And the truth is, that’s not what a supportive friendship should look like.
Having to watch what you say or what you reveal around them, feeling like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, that’s a red flag we should all look out for. And perhaps, the most common as well. Because, if we don’t feel safe enough to communicate honestly with our friends, then what’s the point? What’s the point of being best friends if we not only have to censor our words, but also endure silent treatments or emotional manipulation in response? One thing I’ve definitely learned, through witnessing and experiencing these kinds of friendships over the years, is this: true friends make space for your growth. They don’t try to control it. And we owe them the same in return. We should have the freedom to be ourselves, with our friends, without the fear of judgment, competition or subtle sabotage. These days, for many of us women, finding a true female best friend is even harder than finding a romantic partner. Maybe it’s the growing influence of media that pushes us to constantly compare ourselves to one another. Maybe it’s simply how we were raised. I’m not entirely sure. But either way, having someone you can genuinely call your best friend for the long haul is incredibly rare, and dare I say, a real blessing. While deep, lasting connections like that may be hard to find, they’re absolutely worth holding onto and nurturing when we do. In a world where comparison and disconnection have become all too common, a true best friend is truly one of life’s greatest gifts. Sincerely, Cherie. The Whiffler is free today. But if you enjoyed this post, you can tell The Whiffler that their writing is valuable by pledging a future subscription. You won't be charged unless they enable payments.
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Friday, 8 August 2025
Blessings, Boundaries & Best Friends.
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