I have never been so glad to see a year meet its end. I thought 2019, the year my mother passed away, would be the year I gladly watch in the rearview mirror, but 2022 takes the cake.
Not only did I realize that the life I had spent a good portion of my adulthood building was not built on a solid foundation, but I was also met with the mental anguish that I continue to battle with today.
This year, I learned that people will do and be whoever they need to be as long as you give them what they want. I learned that many people benefit from broken versions of others because this society is built on the idea that we must obtain control over others in order to deem ourselves worthy of "fitting in'.
I used this time of transition to work on myself. I now acknowledge the fact that I use fear as a way of controlling the outcomes in my life. In order for me to live authentically, I have to stop being afraid of how others will perceive me and start just being.
This year was the hardest time of my life. It may be the hardest time I will ever face or there could be a new rock bottom. Either way, I feel like I have stepped into a new version of myself that is more aligned with the person I want to be.
It is easy to hate and or ignore the pain and suffering of this year but in doing so, I negate all the lessons I have learned that have helped me open up my awareness. I am instead expressing gratitude for the trauma I am enduring. My sleepless nights, panic attacks, etc, are teaching me to be in the moment and care for myself. I am learning that in order to give love to others, I need to first give love to myself. I am grateful because the old me always saved herself for last or not at all. The old me based her happiness on the state of those around her instead of what was within her.
This year, I have been called selfish, but only by those who wished to control, manipulate and abuse me. I am grateful because I know who no longer belongs in my life. I have found and rediscovered those who love and appreciate me and allow me to be myself without judgment.
There will always be challenges but the secret is in finding moments of gratitude that help you elevate your soul and rise above life's lessons. I hope you all are able to end the year in gratitude and live in peace.
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