I share all the sordid details of my life on social media, without even hesitating about doing it. I don't think sharing my world is a bad thing, nor do I think of it as seeking attention, although I know that many people do. And so I have been wondering lately - as I experience the biggest chain of life changes I ever have - why I enjoy letting everyone into the events. Without judgement and with curiosity.
The internet is a minefield. There is so much content guided and encouraged by capitalism. I'm a product of our times so I don't look at the individual content with scorn, however, the messages do make me uncomfortable. Maybe it's the autism but I have always been detached from most of what's in. I mean this in the sense that if I don't see how something would actively benefit me, truly, then I don't feel the need to emulate it. But this doesn't mean that I don't notice the trends or the effects they have on society at large.
In fact, I notice it all too well: it marks me as an outsider in comparison to my peers. Looking at this in an objective way; when you appear against the grain (note that I haven't said 'go'), it's noticeable when others don't. It's also extremely noticeable how this affects them in terms of their mental health, body image, motivation etc. And though I don't personally find myself hounded by the content I consume, a lot of people do. Social media has an impact on people. For some, it's the bible on how to do.
I spent a lot of time in therapy with someone who really cut to the core of me. She made it clear to me that my default function is to 'do' when it would benefit me to just 'be'. This comes from a concoction of childhood conditioning and has taken a long time to even begin to unpick. I began to do the work that day - by which I mean I stopped doing all the work. All the work of trying to be a good daughter, a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good student, a good employee. I was whatever I needed to be and that takes a lot of thinking, a lot of actioning, a lot of energy. There is no rest, not really.
Despite the discovery that my permanent state of 'doing' has had a severe impact on me, just 'being' has been my biggest challenge to date. I love my brain for initiating Mission Safety because it was a clever defence mechanism designed to protect me. It succeeded, most of the time, but eventually I just needed new tools. I needed rest. I've been able to step back enough to realise that, funnily enough, the reason I rarely jump headfirst into trends is likely because I'm always too busy trying to make sure everyone around me is happy.
Something that helps me to 'be' is by being completely open and honest about what's happening in my life. Maybe that's because I grew up around so many secrets and lies, but embodying the truth is healing for me. It's a kind of catharsis to detail all the little things I experience alongside the big. To openly put my thoughts out there, my opinions and struggles, no matter how banal they are. When I'm 'doing', I'm thinking about everyone else; I'm not aware of what's happening inside, I'm not taking time to check in with myself. But when I'm 'being', I'm making myself at home in my body; I'm taking small moments to just experience what's happening.
Detachment is a state of doing - that doesn't just happen; your brain is putting in so much work to keep you safe. So my silly posts and my silly memes and my silly polls are for my benefit completely. They're a selfish type of sharing because they are just for me. It's a bonus that other people see them and, a lot of the time, interact with them; empathise, relate and feel soothed. It makes me so happy when someone replies to one of my posts, a personal experience, and connects with me. I screenshot it every single time, a snapshot of magic, and feel affirmed that rawness is a form of love.
I spent so long masking, trying to fit in and not quite succeeding, chasing the kind of happiness I saw on tv or read about in books…and yet, I was never happy. The elusive feeling of having found myself, of being home. Of course, you can't find yourself if that person is bricked up by your subconscious. Day by day, I get a little closer to releasing that person from their confines. One of the steps to that freedom is kick-you-in-the-crotch-spit-on-your-neck-fantastic vulnerability. I don't worry about my 'image' on social media because I no longer have anything to hide. That translates in real life too. I'm happily being upfront with people about who I am.
For those reasons, I don't feel like I overshare, no matter how silly or insignificant the content is. I enjoy chronicling the contrast of my experience now with the 'on this day' feature, the fluctuations in my body and my feelings. I enjoy being real on the internet in an era of artificial personalities, no matter how messy or unhinged people think I am. It took me so many years to get to this place of self acceptance and comfort in myself and I'm not going to hide that. I have earned the right to be a very messy, very real human being out loud. This is something we all have a right to but that we're taught is the wrong thing to aspire to. It's not. Capitalism wants you to be isolated, perfect and lonely, beautiful and empty. But we are not naturally those things.
Social media is just a journal, an archive. I'm creating something that I can look back on and appreciate for what it is: growth. By learning to be vulnerable with so many people, despite my natural inclination to hide, I am growing. Exposing myself cell by cell allows me to grow into who I am rather than who I should be. Being honest on the world wide web is hard, especially when you're only used to a polished face. But I don't judge anyone except capitalism. Thankfully, I have cultivated a community of perfectly imperfect people who continuously gift their realness.
Capitalism is the biggest driver of detachment in our society. Being perfect and whole is the ultimate goal. Having others see you as a paragon of success is the dream. This isn't achievable, no matter how fervently you lean into the detachment.
So I'm leaning into attachment instead - in order to learn who I really am and to connect with others; in order to be the reminder to myself, and as a byproduct, someone else that realness is chaotic and painful and amazing and forever. There is so much joy in seeing your very real body and very real emotions against the backdrop of a world that doesn't want you to be you. If people think I'm crazy for sharing the amount of information I do, I'm okay with that. I'm okay with being honest about the journey to feeling comfortable with my gender, my sexuality, my mental health, my 'disabilities', my body, my passion for connection, my trauma, my growth, my dreams and my love. It took me so long to get here and 'here' isn't even a final stop because there is no finality to who you are.
To quote Stephen Chbosky: 'We are infinite'.
Sharing these parts of myself with you also helps to keep me accountable. I look back at the things I posted last year and I not only see but feel the tangible difference in who I am as a person. I can see the path I took from there to here and I can see the people who came with me and those I met along the way. It's a form of journaling - multi-media and in technicolour - that affirms me. The way I process things is usually in hindsight when verbal but in real time when written, and the more angles I can look at something, the more complete the image. Through my posts, I can see myself through your eyes too. And honestly, I fiercely respect what I see.
More often than not, as I'm sharing some token of myself with you for the first time, it's the first time I'm sharing it with myself too. You just happen to be a part of it.
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