The recent Christmas party video, filmed during lockdown in December 2020, which emanated from 10 Downing Street, filled me with rage. I watched the people involved, who weren't socially distanced or wearing masks, drinking, dancing, singing and laughing in the workplace far removed from the measures that others were held to. I couldn't believe the blatant disregard for the rules and even the mocking of them as if they were insignificant. It seems that the horrors of covid had affected me and continue to affect me more than I ever realised they had.
Working in CCU at that time my own reality, and that of my colleagues, was very different. I remember the very odd calm before the storm, just waiting for the first covid+ patient to be admitted. I remember the unit being prepared and stocked with PPE and half of the unit being sealed off to accommodate covid+ patients. I remember my first shift in the, 'covid end', removing all the personal items from my pockets and sealing them in a bag, putting on all the necessary PPE over my uniform, sterile surgical gown, gloves with a second pair worn over them and sealed to the gown at the wrist with tape, surgical cap, mask, eye protection over my specs and then a visor and a plastic apron. I remember I was assigned my first covid+ patient who was chatting away to me on admission but sadly deteriorated and slipped away a few hours later, frightened and alone save for the PPE clad pair of eyes holding his hand. This same desperately sad scenario was repeated with the admission of my next patient on that shift also passing away soon after the first. Despite all the best efforts of the staff and medics, and without any specific treatment at that time, patients were dying in our unit and in other healthcare settings all over the world. I've never witnessed so many instances of death and so much heartbreak, frustration and despair in my entire 30 odd year NHS career.
I remember the staff who were drafted in to the unit to help. I remember once thinking that a colleague was taking a long time to tie up the back of my gown (it's just easier!) and when I looked round it was because their hands were trembling. I remember having to give the news no one ever wants to receive to relatives via phone, or by video call, and hearing the last words exchanged between them and their loved ones. I don't think those words will ever leave me. I remember we had our names written on the front of our gowns so we could identify each other, a small glimpse of humanity in a blue sea of PPE.
There is a floor to ceiling window in CCU which looks out over the entrance to the ED. During the first wave of covid, on a Friday night, we heard a piper and went over to that window. Outside there was indeed a piper along with firefighters, police and ambulance staff looking up at us. We quickly wrote, 'thank you' on a piece of paper and stuck it to the window. When the piper finished playing the emergency personnel saluted and applauded up to that window to which we all applauded back down to them. I always tend to get emotional when I hear the bagpipes but never more so than that night.
Returning home from work was another time consuming routine. Taking off clothes I'd worn to work in the garage, sorting my worn uniform and bagging it, straight into the shower without touching anything at all and a litany of other precautions I took to protect my wife, kids and wider family. I would never have forgiven myself if they had become ill because I hadn't acted appropriately and flouted the rules.
Initially, I only put this down on paper in an effort to get the aforementioned rage out of my system, I think it has. I certainly didn't write it to garner sympathy or far less, praise. There are many staff who worked on the 'front line' during the pandemic for longer than myself. My experiences are in no way unique and will be familiar to a lot of NHS staff. Without getting into the politics of it (those who know me know where my allegiances lie) there is a possibility that some of the people who appeared in the 'partygate' video may be honoured and we often hear that we should 'just move on' or 'get over it'. I saw honour in December 2020, I also saw dignity, respect, camaraderie and sacrifice, none of these qualities are apparent in the Downing Street video. I'm afraid I'm not ready to 'just move on' or 'get over it', not just yet anyway.
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