Sad to say my sister has overdosed and died. I lost her a long time ago, but it still hurts. The waste of addiction, the powerlessness of those on the outside looking in overwhelms me sometimes. In truth, it's overwhelmed me for some 40 yrs now.
I keep thinking how her death was so much like the disease itself. Most likely she went to sleep and passed away quietly, leaving me and those around her to experience her death, to feel her feelings, to suffer and grieve, to clean up the mess. It's the mother lode of all one sided relationships.
I once said that addiction experienced by those who love you, is like being forced to go through surgery fully sober and without any anesthesia. Addicts get the anesthesia, we just get to feel the pain and horror.
The system, the community, the government, the authorities, all suck too, as in we have lost so many people to addiction here, been forced to watch it happen in slow motion over and over again. A few honest cops over the years have told me, you're fighting an uphill battle against a lack of political will. They were right too, and since then it's only gotten worse. Drugs are practically legal in my state now. We're supposed to respect people's "mental health issues" honor their right to, "self medicate."
Ironic, the most compassionate response is probably to be found in drug dealers themselves. They're trying to make a profit and dead people don't buy drugs. They want to get the bad drugs off the streets because it hurts their bottom line. It's the most logical thing I've heard in a long time. My community leaders, my state government, lack the common sense and moral clarity of criminal drug dealers. Sheesh.
God has been incredibly good to me. No, I don't blame Him at all. He has taught me so many things over the years about addiction and co dependency and He has prepared my heart for this day. Very sweet, when I got the bad news, Psalm 27 immediately popped into my head. I don't memorize anything, I couldn't tell you what that meant if I tried, but I read it as soon as I got the chance and I understood immediately, "For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock." That is why I often have grace and peace in times of chaos and sorrow, that is where my strength comes from. He always holds me close, always prepares and heals my heart.
I had little hope of my sister ever recovering, but I went right on and dared to hope anyway. I'm so glad I did. That's what courage is all about.
Everyday I have to get up and just trust and believe, "I'll see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." If we're out looking for it, the odds of our finding it will be a whole lot better. And if you can't seem to find it anywhere, then it's up to us to be it. Be the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. The land of the living can be a dark and scary place and people really need our hope.
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