Are you someone who never wants to hurt others? Do you always put "others" first? Do you find it difficult to decline an invitation even though you are terribly exhausted? Hello, "Good Girl. And the good news is, you are not alone!"
We all suffer from the "God Girl" syndrome on several occasions. As I type this, I ask myself how easy/difficult it is to say n. And how often I have agreed to something even though inside my head I was screaming, "No way!" Recently, I read this article on Oprah Daily about how women must stop smoothing things over and start putting their needs first. As women, we always tend to please others, putting everyone else's needs before ours to the point that we deprive ourselves of things most dear to us. A 2017 report by the Pew Research Centre stated that while being attractive is the top expectation from women, nurturing, kindness, and empathy fall next. This is not just in America, across the world, women are expected to be caregivers and multitask while being gentle and caring. Bold and outspoken women are, even to this day, not appreciated.
But what happens to the " Good Girl" eventually? I was working until I had my son. After that, I decided to take a break from work because there was no one to take care of my son. Besides, I also had an elderly father-in-law living with me then. For some reason, I thought then that I must step in because no one else could perform the role of caregiver at home better than me. I never explored options to seek external help. Over the years, my role as a primary caregiver at home continued and intermittently I also did some work-from-home freelance jobs. None of them paid well. All along, I started blaming myself for the decision I took, but never showed it on the outside. And this frustration kept building up until one day when it exploded. And when it did, everyone at home was surprised because they never saw it coming. When I saw my friends doing extremely well in corporate roles, I felt happy for them but sorry for myself and the missed opportunities. Today, if I want to get myself a job, I need to start from scratch. Besides, a 12-year break and my age also will work negatively for me. My intention of being the caregiver was perhaps good, but years of keeping myself last and not trying to get myself a job in the hope that others at home would be inconvenienced made me miserable. And today, I have only myself to blame for where I stand.
There is no harm in being kind. But when you raise a girl child with these values making her internalise that she should not disappoint others or voice out her needs, it becomes dangerous in the long run. Over years of only giving and not expecting anything in return, keeping a low profile, and trying to adjust and accommodate for the sake of others, she eventually gets exhausted. She gives all her time, and energy and aims at perfection; she wants to stay quiet and is always worried about what others will think before taking major decisions-- all these eventually lead to self-harm. It is time women stop being "good" in their immediate circles first and gradually widen the circle to include everyone else. Here are some options:
- Keep yourself first, prioritize your wants and needs
- You can be kind and help but don't overstretch
- Know when to say 'no'
- Communicate your needs to others; don't assume they will not understand
- You can deny offers politely too. Try.
- Begin listening to yourself, regain your confidence, be happy, and spread positive vibes
So, being the "good girl" is good only up to a certain limit; beyond that, it is dangerous for you and your mental health. Know the limits and set yourself free. If you are free and happy, it will reflect in your interactions with the family and it will transform the way you think and work.
This blog post is part of the blog challenge 'Blogaberry Dazzle' hosted by Cindy D'Silva and Noor Anand Chawla in collaboration with Bohemian Bibliophile.
Photo by J W on Unsplash
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