This is something I’ve caught myself doing from time to time: judging people for judging people. You know what it’s like, when you’re listening to someone ranting about a friend or a coworker, judging that person for something they did, while you’re sitting there, silently judging them for being so judgy. It’s a thing, guys. It’s like a judging spiral that we didn’t realize we were caught in. It’s rarely harsh and almost never intentional. Oftentimes, we don’t even realize we’re doing it unless it’s pointed out to us, or we would catch ourselves mid-rant, realizing that while we were voicing out our opinion, we were also judging someone for judging someone else. But here’s the thing, does that make us a bad person? Not necessarily, I believe. It just makes us human. It’s natural for us to react, to form opinions and draw lines between what feels “right” and what seems “wrong” in the stories that we hear. Sometimes, those lines do need to be drawn. There are simply just moments when what’s right should be defended, and what’s wrong should be recognized. After all, we’re emotional beings, and it’s easy to get caught up in someone else’s passionate response, especially when their ‘rant’ becomes more charged and intense. But the way I see it, the only time it’s truly fair to judge someone who is judging others is when our goal is to reflect on whether their reaction is justified. Whether it’s grounded in fairness, truth or accuracy. In other words, judgement is only warranted if it helps us question whether they themselves have the right to judge. There was one time when my parents had an argument. I don’t even remember what it was about. It was just one of those old, regular case of miscommunication that seem to repeat in long-term relationships. They were both already in a bad mood before it started, so it wasn’t surprising. I was there when it happened, and I heard the way they spoke to each other, their words all laced with frustration. They were all feeling short-tempered, which is the classic sign of a misunderstanding waiting to happen. Later that day, they’d gone on their separate ways to cool off. It just so happened that my dad and I were in the car, heading over to the dealership to pick up my car after a routine maintenance check. We were alone, and typical to being the eldest daughter in the family that carry somewhat similar traits to my dad, he knew that I would know how he operated, so he opened up. He explained his side of the argument, then asked me if he was wrong to say that, and whether he took it too far. Like most children, I’ve never liked being in the middle of my parents’ arguments. Unless it’s directly about me, I usually stay out of it. But since he asked, I gave him my honest perspective. I told him that, like in most arguments, it was never just one person who was wrong. I tried to explain, best as I can, where my mom might’ve been coming from too, to help see what had gone unsaid between them. The same thing happened, too, when my mom brought it up with me. They made up not long after that, and it wasn’t something dramatic or drawn out either. It just passed, like most arguments eventually do, but that moment stayed with me. Because I realized that: not every judgment, even when we think it’s unfair, needs to be challenged. Sometimes, people judge in order to understand. Sometimes, they just need to feel heard before they can hear each other. Judging others for judging people isn’t always about being critical. It can also be about that person, searching for clarity or connection. Our opinion to their problem. My dad wasn’t looking for permission to be right, at that time. He was looking for a perspective. And my role wasn’t to pick a side or “fix” the situation, but simply to reflect what I saw and understood. Sometimes, being a listener is more important than being a referee. It’s easy to assume that judging others, especially when they’re judging someone else is always wrong. But it isn’t always that simple. There are moments when people need a space to vent, to wrestle with their own emotions or to make sense of someone else’s behavior. And in those moments, what usually would help is to be empathetic. We may judge, but we should do it empathetically without the intention to hurt, but the intention to understand, to simply listen. Hence the title, ‘We Listen…And We Don’t Judge'. Sincerely, Cherie. (I hope I don’t confuse you guys too much, because to be honest with you guys, it took me nearly a day to write this down. I got confused somewhere in the middle, and I’ve read it 2-3 times now, edited all the confusing parts just to make it sound less gibberish. Feel free to email me or drop some comments, though, if you’re wondering what I meant, again. I’d be happy to clarify.) The Whiffler is free today. But if you enjoyed this post, you can tell The Whiffler that their writing is valuable by pledging a future subscription. You won't be charged unless they enable payments.
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Monday, 9 June 2025
We Listen, We Don't Judge.
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