Today, on the 30th of august, I experience my second day of clarity.
Or at least, more clarity than I ever had before.
In my previous post, I described how I suddenly realized that most of my thoughts aren't based on reality at all.
That all my psychological drama is made up by me.
That most of the thoughts that I create, have nothing to do with reality anymore.
I finally experienced how unhelpful these thoughts are, how burdensome, how heavy (literally even).
This morning, I woke up (I'm so thankful for that).
And I immediately started experiencing the reality that I 'realized' yesterday.
But the reality was always there. I simply did not realize it yet.
It's like I entered a new world this morning.
I finally want to explore the world aroud me. Yes, even my own house.
The first hour after waking up,I was just strolling through the house I live in.
It felt so weird and wonderful at the same time.
The thoughts in my head didn't bother me much.
All because of yesterday. And the days before.
Where my mind generated so much chaos, that it imploded.
It's as if it destroyed a huge part of itself.
So, back to this morning:
Suddenly I had energy to really look at things: A chair, the floor, the windows, the doors, the microwave, the refrigerator.
Everything was always there. But I never saw thess things without 'the wall of thoughts' in my head.
It's as if I'm waken up from a dream.
And from there, another realization came to me.
From this morning on, I've been trying to figure out something else:
How much of my own personality is real?
The more and more I dig, the more I realize that I have no idea where the starting point of this complex construction is.
I must have started to create this at some point.
When I was very young. From the moment I started to conceptualize the situation around and in me.
But now I see: most of my personality isn't real. I wonder if any of it is real.
It's like a mask that I carry on me to deal with the world.
But again, this is also 'a wall of thoughts', but an even more complex wall of thoughts, that lies between what reality is, and 'me'.
Maybe I shouldn't try to figure it out at all. Because, maybe, it's not all that important, just like so many thoughts, conclusions, and assumptions I have, about myself and the world.
Maybe, just maybe, I'm just a 'piece of life'.
A Human body and a brain; 'a machine, a mechanism, if you will'.
I's trying to function in the world.
Just like every other creature on the planet.
It just needs to figure out the best way to do it, and to not sabotage itself.
(I think I finally realize what Sadhguru meant by this 'a piece of life, a machine, and this mechanism',. I tried to 'understand it', but it was not in my experience yet. But now I experienced it withing myself, after all these years, 'trying to understand' what he was saying. )
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