I'm a Shitty Friend

Tekuɔ

Jun 2

What quality do you value most in a friend?

Very interesting that this should be the prompt for today and that I should actually open the Jetpack app and see it, because the topic of friendship is in my mind.

Growing up I've found myself caught more times than I care for, having friends that get attached to me, consider me their best friend, when I don't see any difference at all between them and my other friends. And at the ages when I'd call someone a best friend, it was always never the one who saw me as theirs. Though those I saw as mine were on the same level with me.

I have had friends that I downright dodge, pretend to be in a deep sleep, whatever, to avoid them.

I also don't attach to people. In fact I attach to only one person in my life, and that's always a lover. That likely is unhealthy for a romantic relationship, but I find whoever is my romantic partner at a point in time is the only one I care enough about losing.
For everyone else, I move on pretty quickly... sometimes even while the relationship is still ongoing.
I've had 'best friends' at all stages of my life and totally disconnect from them the moment I'm out of that phase.

As I'm more grown now, I'm a bit worried about this nature of mine. Not so much because I'm afraid of not having friends, but because I've come to realize how deeply my actions affect these friends.
I'm concerned about seeing myself as a good person and yet contributing to emotional pain and rejection in another...so much that I have to be conscious to not hurt the few people I consider close friends now.

I also do feel bad sometimes because usually the friends I choose to leave behind did not do a single damn thing against me. Not one. But I just no longer desire to continue the relationship.
Some of these friends don't stress about this either, if I don't put in effort, they don't. And I actually like that. Because if I pull away, I'm well aware and it's intentional. I'm not gonna chase after you once you start making other friends, no..this is not romance.
But there are friends who just wouldn't let go, because they want to be there for you regardless of how you feel about them. And it's genuinely an admirable quality.
But for me, it's uncomfortable as fuck.

Having been in romantic situations where I totally ignored signs of rejection from someone and going through the pain that comes after finally accepting reality, I get it.

At the same time, I don't attach to friends on the same level that apparently others do, so I can do that with a lover, ignore and keep pushing, but for a friend?

If I dread communicating with you or spending time with, I really don't want to. And pushing it makes it so much worse. It's selfish I know, and mean, considering they did nothing wrong.
Just that I care about my comfort, and if I'm uncomfortable, then bye bye.
There are people we have to endure discomfort from, like family. But friends? From my view, nope.

The common theme of such uncomfortable friendships for me has been how much different me and the other person is.
Opposite attracts, but not too much, and certainly not for me.
If we always have to be on the opposite of things, there's always underlying conflict, and I flee from conflict.

I've had some friends get closer because of being fascinated with how I perceive things, and they just want to talk about that. They usually have very opposite views to me, and absolutely disagree with mine...but they'd like to talk for hours about my view. And it's fun at the start, because I love talking.
But after a while, I don't care about your view, I'm not asking anything about it because I don't care. And my view is of no importance to you, you just want to see how I view it so you will know the angle at which to promote yours to get me to shift to yours.
And even if it's not that, just fascination...after a while, well I'm not an object or tourist site.

I also realized I outgrew these people. Not that I became more mature, certainly not. If anything, they did. But if me now is compared to me some years back, there's massive change, some people don't even recognize me. Mainly as a result of change in interests.
Whereas those I leave behind, seem to remain the same people. It is not a bad thing, it's even more trustworthy and comfortable.
But obviously with new interests, I need others that share the interest also.

I'm sorry for being an asshole of a friend to some friends. I really do not intend to hurt or add up to pains of rejection. And you did absolutely nothing wrong to me, it's not that I'm afraid to confront and so pulled away, there really isn't anything.
If I am a terrible friend to you, not investing, you wouldn't be betraying yourself by giving up on me. Quite the contrary, you'd be building up your self worth.

To answer the question, I make friends base on feelings and vibe. If we vibing, it's on. I don't anything from a friend.
I don't need to constantly stay in touch, hangout often, know everything about each other's lives, I don't do those things.
I do however cherish support from a friend, from anyone. I like to be supported in whatever decision I make. Because not getting that supports communicates to me the person thinks they know what's better for me than myself, and that may be true but it still like calling me stupid. I hate it when someone not only subtly suggest they know better about you, but strongly proclaims so and find you funny instead, like a lost child.
I also like support from others, because I do so for others.

Life is already so messy, I'm just trying to find peace to do what it is I want to do. Friends are to make it all easier, if they don't for whatever reason, time to let it go.

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