Nothing, just the scribbles of a night owl
That sudden burst of energy
The desire to pull your life out of despair
Of all the crazy things your mind cooks up
The 3 am train of thoughts isn't something to compare.
My body is tired, but my mind is racing full speed
All the day's overthinking to which I didn't pay heed
Bubbles over to surface and threatens to spill over
In the high of the moment I could either rule the world
Or burn it down to ashes, nothing in between whatsoever.
The train of thoughts starts
As I think about my past
All my mistakes, all my regrets
Flash before my eyes
Like some terrible horror film that just won't end
I think about my future
And how I can still save it
from my mistakes from a time long gone.
why is our timeline so linear?
Why do actions have consequences?
Why am I so sad despite currently living in the prime of my life?
Ah yes, the prime of my life.
An exquisite painting, with beautiful strokes of friendship, love and care
Vibrant hues of the joys of young adulthood
Heavily botched with anxiety, brainrot and social media.
Are we really getting closer or just moving further apart?
Why am I dejected about someone online
bragging of having something that I want
which they themselves don't have either.
This thick veil of lies, these dirty games of pretending
All of this seems never ending.
The train of thoughts is picking up speed
I consume content to a point where my mind has become a trashcan
Overflowing with useless trinkets tossing out the actual valuable stuff
I struggle to have a life outside of it now-a-days
My attention span is smaller than the blink of an eye
My vocabulary is degrading, my talents are slipping away
I know half the fault is mine for being so addicted
But can u blame a fellow experience-hungry, adrenaline junkie
Who just wants to explore every corner of this round earth?
I think about that one boy
And what could've been
if life played out exactly how I'd scripted it in my head
I think about my health staying up so late
But then don't successful people also have a sleep schedule as askew as mine?
I think of getting away from myself in the pursuit of getting closer to others
I think of pursuing a myriad of interests
I think of reconnecting with all my long-lost hobbies
I think of fixing my life.
But that's all I do: I just 'think'
Bcuz that's when procrastination steps in and puts every good thing on hold.
Night is so peaceful, so quiet.
A groundbreaking invention or a gruesome murder
both can be done uninterrupted at this time.
This silence is peaceful at times, but scary too.
It's a gift of privacy on days where you've socialised too much and need a break
But some days loneliness decides to visit like a good old friend
A friend that simply doesn't seem to leave your side
Am I too perfect to be handled by the people around me
Or am I just too broken?
Are people always watching or is it okay to loosen up and break character sometimes?
The world expected me to be something that I wasn't
And so I became it
Now they watch several versions of me but apparently, I could still be better
Something is still missing
I kept searching for it till I realised
that what was missing was my real self all along
to point where im not sure exactly who I am.
And just when I think im giving too much importance to myself
My train of thoughts takes a sudden detour
I start thinking of the vastness of the world
And the grand mysteries of the universe
And the music of nature
And the intricacy of life
And how insignificant we are compared to all of it.
The clock has barely moved an inch
Its just 3.05 now?
How did my mind traverse the length of the universe in five minutes?
The train of thoughts is now too fast for my brain to process
The lines between the thoughts are smudging
My mind is a jail that I simply can't escape.
But then my parents come into picture.
Their smiling faces, their encouraging talks and warm embraces
My friends and loved ones also join in
High on their enthusiasm and crackhead energies and wild vibes
The younger me nudges me from the side
With the bright smile of knowing that she gets to study exactly what she'd dreamt of
That I'm becoming the truest version of myself she wasn't allowed to be
That I'm slowly building the life of her dreams.
And just because the destination is beautiful
Doesn't mean that the journey cannot be too.
The picture slowly comes into focus
Of this beautiful life that I currently have.
Yes, there were depressing lows
But these are the highs too.
I realised that everyone else is on their own separate rollercoaster called life
And they're too busy navigating thru their ride to care about yours
Not everyone gets the same rollercoaster
Every ride's trajectory is different,
they reach their highs and lows at different points in life.
Life doesn't follow a set template for everyone.
And life might not be as linear as I thought.
This journey is twisty
And beautiful once you learn the art
of enjoying every single one of it's turns
of accepting both the rewards and the lessons graciously
of taking things slow, even if they are just in your mind.
The sudden burst of energy is fading now
Sleep has finally decided to pay me a visit it seems
My train of thoughts has come to a gentle halt in paradise.
My mind,
my mind is the paradise that I don't wanna ever leave.
~Sanisa Patrikar
No comments:
Post a Comment