It's been a whole year today and I still find myself awake at 4:00am crying silently into my pillow. It's a hard fit trying to fall apart silently lest you wake your roommate with the sounds of your aching heart. I have never willed anything to not be true like I willed the news of that first phone call and all the others after. I waited and waited for the one that would tell me it was a false alarm, that you were okay, that the doctors misspoke or that there was mistake somewhere but none came.
What I've learnt in this year is that it's those unexpected moments you don't see coming that break you. Suddenly you're fighting to hold back tears in line at the bank or on what is supposed to be a fun road trip to Mbarara or even at your dear friend's wedding. I don't know if anyone notices that I change the subject after we've been talking about you for a minute or so. I'm afraid that anything longer than a minute will have me breaking at the seams.
I catch myself often saying to my sister, "That's what she would have said." Or, "You sound just like her." She's been doing a lot of that lately, saying things the way you might have said them. I like it when it happens because it makes me feel like you're still here with us_ in the things that we say and do and think... but then it also breaks my heart because it's a reminder that you're not here with us anymore.
I fear the day I'll stop feeling this pain because what if that means I'll stop missing you? What if it means the memories will be gone? But just as I'm beginning to fret the weather gets cold and I hear your voice there telling me to dress appropriately and not to forget to carry a sweater and I'm comforted. I'm going to need to carry a sweater for the rest of my life so maybe then, for however long that will be, for however long I'm going to need a sweater, your voice will always be right here with me.
We love you always.
No comments:
Post a Comment