I can't really tell if my hormones are misfiring or whether I am being lazy or whether I am just in a depressive ebb of life. I am having a hard time coming up with a routine and sticking to it. An even harder time being productive on any given day and well right now, it just feels like I am waiting on the sands of time to stop trickling. The worst part about all this? I have every reason to be grateful for my life, I am not going through anything that would be considered traumatic or a hardship and yet I feel that in this particular moment my life sucks.
Naturally, to jumpstart my life, I will be around vibrant people whom I love, eat good food, and listen to some sassy feel good music. My cheat codes are not working. Heck! Even taking a walk to declutter has been futile. My space is pretty and cosy and yet it feels like I am walking about with sand in my shoes. Not as disturbing as a pebble in the shoes but still mildly uncomfortable.
This is a brain dump. I have no clue as to where it ends. Ideally, I would want to end on a positive because the skies outside are beautiful and blue, the birds are chirping and so is God's grace oozing in my life. God's grace. I haven't been to church in a very long time. I pray but that is not enough to feed my spirit. I lack the physical will to go out and fellowship but my spirit feels malnourished. My soul is tired. My body is in great health but my soul is tired. The skies outside are vibrant and blue.
I think I've figured it out. I am having a difficult time reconciling my expectations with my current realities. I thought I needed just one thing to change my life and when that one 'life-changing' occurrence happened, I find myself still waiting on the new life I thought I would be living. Maybe I am slowly dying away because I hoped to be living a much more interesting life with some really cool changes but I am still alone, feeling as I am, wondering if it will get better, when and how.
I promise, I am not being a brat. There is a lot to be grateful for. I have one too many blessings to count. I have experienced God's faithfulness. I am blessed. And in this particular moment, I am in tears because I feel sad. So how do I curate a better life for myself and those I care for? With all the noise, bu,zz and movement in the world, I feel stuck.
To end it on a positive note, here's a list of beautiful things I am currently aware of at this very moment:
The skies. They are so blue and cloudless.
My sofa. It makes me aware I am home.
A lemon-grass candle. Smells so clean.
My laptop. No particular reason but I am happy to have it.
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