I've been struggling quite heavily lately, being around other people. It's the most sober I've been in a while apart from chemo and socialising is causing me a great deal of distress. I have communicated with close friends about this and some are wonderful about it and completely understand but others take it personally and think I just don't want to be around them. I promise this isn't the case.
It's got to a point where I'm relieved when I'm physically unwell as it gives me a good excuse to not see anyone. (And we all know I'm sick a lot!) Now, I know what you're thinking, but it's not depression. Granted I need to work through some stuff, this isn't the most normal behavior, but I think it's more of an introvert thing.
I used to drink quite a bit. Honestly, I binged on the drink like I do with food and I think the intoxication hid the painfully awkward and introverted person I really am? It wasn't until I had a few too many health scares that I decided I needed to get healthy. That is when I started to realise how being around people actually made me feel!
I don't necessarily want to hide myself away from the world. I just find communication excruciating most of the time. I don't like being on the phone, texting is fine but, I'm part of the 'No Calls Crew.' Sometimes, face to face interaction has got me wanting to smash my head against the wall. Not because I want to hurt myself btw, but it would be a good enough reason to just not be in that situation!
The dread and nausea along with many other symptoms that I won't divulge are becoming bloody chaotic. All because I feel guilty about not wanting to socialise. It's my fault for putting on the drunk mask for so many years and leading others to think I'm a people person. I have royally fucked myself. So, what in the shitting hell do I do about this?
Do, I suck it up and go on the merciless way I'm going or, do I do the unthinkable and actually for once look after my sanity and say enough is enough!?
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