A Letter to My 20-Year-Old Self

Lornett Vestal

Dec 30

Well, my mind is goin' through them changes

At the tender age of 20, you can't imagine where this strange journey called life would take you over the next twenty years. During these past two decades, you'll travel to some far-off places like Australia, Aruba, Brazil, Ecuador, Finland, and many other places in the world. Hell, you'll become a U.S. Navy Veteran. You'll get a graduate degree from one of the nation's most prestigious universities (And all you'll have to show for it is student loan debt). You'll get married to a brilliant and beautiful Southern lady. You will co-write two sci-fi novels and have a manuscript in the works. You'll relocate from sunny San Diego to a small town in Illinois (for college) and back to your hometown of Chicago, fall in love, and end up in the capital of da Dirty South. (A-T-L Hoe!) In twenty-twenty-three, the year of our lord Yeezus, your ass turned forty years old. Yup over the last 20 years, you've done some serious #adulting and went through many changes.

A Man Continues to Evolve

The Evolving Man Project started as an idea after a conversation with my then-girlfriend and now wife in 2015. Over eight years later, the website is still growing and evolving. I was late to the blog post game, and this site's goal wasn't to make me Internet famous. It was to get past harmful stereotypes and show the evolution of men of color in this society. My Question Culture podcast is in its fourth year, and the Evolving Man Project is its home base. When I was 20 years old in 2003, the very first podcast was created, and blogposts were only nine years old. I would have never imagined that tens of thousands of people around the globe would care what a skinny kid from the Southside of Chicago had to say. I've been grateful for my co-creators and contributors over the years. Who knows what 20-year-old me would think of all of this change and the man I've become at 40. So here are a few words for my 20-year-old self

Just Got For it!

Twenty-year-old Lornett was a know-it-all. Ironically, I also wasn't entirely sure of myself at that age. At 20 years old, most folks are still figuring out life. I do admit that 20-year-old me was still quite thoughtful. That's a good thing.

However, at that age, I didn't go for it. One example comes to mind. I was 20 when I met a young woman named V at Community College. She was beautiful, vibrant, and funny-loving. We had a strange back-and-forth situation for two years. But I didn't just go for it. I could have asked her on a date, and she could have accepted or rejected my romantic advances. That situation could have had much more clarity than what happened between us. Who knows what would have happened if I had been bolder?

This lack of action hurt me not just in my love life but also in my professional life. I didn't bother applying to my first college of choice because I didn't think my grades from high school were good enough despite getting straight A's at San Diego City College and having a decent ACT score. My life turned out fine, but there are always the what-ifs. Fortunate favors the bold, and at 40 years old, I am grateful to be a much bolder man.

You'll Get There

I wish my 20-year-old self would have known that life isn't a sprint; it's a marathon. You can't compare yourself to others or measure your success based on social others. One case is my weight. Nowadays, I weigh about 170 lbs, give or take. I'm only 5'7" (shout out to my fellow #shortkings).

In my senior year of high school, I was featherweight at 121 lbs. During my Navy days and most of my 20s, I hovered between 135 and 143. I worked out religiously in those years and even underwent a GNC phase. But having neon yellow pee made me quickly give up all those supplements. I just wanted to weigh more than I did in my 20s. In my 30s, I got my grown man weight. I just had to be patient and wait for my metabolism to slow down or I'm just getting fat. Who knows? As a forty-year-old, I can't be like 20-year-old me with weekends of partying, hard-drinking, and solely eating hot wings and Honey Nut Cheerios. Type II diabetes is real AF!

Be a bit more careful

Being a young adult means you feel like you'll live forever. Youthful bliss does have its advantages. I do wish I was bolder in my younger years. So, this is some counter intuitive advice. When I was young, I was bold regarding being reckless and was fortunate enough to get lucky. In my 20s, I drank way too much, I dragged raced, I did a lot of different drugs, had run-ins with the cops, and got into a couple of bar brawls (I was in the Navy). Looking back I was very stupid in those incidents. I'm lucky to be here writing this here letter today.

Some hookups in my youth didn't happen because I was a drunken fool. It's hard to be charming when you a shitfaced and apparently a major turn-off for the ladies. I am glad that in my younger years, I wasn't too reckless when it came to practicing safe sex. Raw dogging various ladies ain't the smartest thing to do, fellas. I don't care if she looks like Rihanna. The pull-out method doesn't work, and STIs can happen. I am happy that I don't have a bunch of stray baby mamas out in the world. My wife is glad, too. So, my youthful days weren't wholly reckless. Kudos to young Lornett for remembering my mother's advice when my brothers and I were teenagers. "No glove, no love."

'Rebel Moon': Djimon Hounsou Says Zack Snyder 'Created A World In Which I Can See And Feel The Continent Of Africa' | Photo: Netflix

Love Yourself

I would want to tell myself at twenty that you are enough. Understand that no one is perfect. No matter how pretty, rich, or famous they might be. We are humans on earth just trying to eke out an existence and find peace. I spent too much time being ashamed of my past in my 20s. Things like being a foster kid, getting adapted, my mental health struggles, or living in a group home don't define me as a person. It never did.

I will give my younger self props for realizing quite early on that seeking help for my mental health was a good thing. The younger me knew deep down inside I would always be a socialist worker.

So would a 20-year-old me call my forty-year-old self an out-of-touch geezer? Or would the younger me take my advice? I can't say for sure. But I know life has been one helluva journey with many ups and downs. I wouldn't trade it for anything. My successes and failures have molded me into the man I am today. I hope at 60 years old, I'm still evolving and look good with my shirt off like my boy, Djimon Hounsou, in Rebel Moon. He's Mr. Steal Yo Granny. We all have to have goals in life, no matter how old or young you may be.