Charting Progress: A Deep Dive into the Chapters of My 2023 Story

Molten Cookie Dough

Dec 31

In the earlier days of this blog, I used to do monthly retrospections where I set personal and professional goals for myself and revisited them at month-end. However, my life has changed a lot since then, and my visits to this online journal have become infrequent. Starting in 2021, I began doing yearly retrospections but faced the challenge of remembering all the good and bad things that happened throughout the year by the last month. Therefore, in 2023, I'm taking a different approach by collating memories from earlier months when events are still fresh in my memory.

January, 2023

In January 2023, I faced some of the most physically and mentally challenging times. My primary focus was on my health, both physical and mental. The month started with a visit to the clinic where I found out about my gallstone which required surgery. The first half of the month was filled with anxiety as I searched for the right doctor, hospital, and arranged insurance paperwork. In mid-January, I had my surgery which resulted in physical pain that overshadowed any mental agony.

As the pain subsided, a new challenge arose: accepting my body with scars from surgery and adhering to a fat-restricting diet while fearing side-effects or infections.

February, 2023

Main focus in February 2023 was my social life. I met many people through various channels, but work-wise there was uncertainty and lack of forward visibility. In my day-to-day life, I ate healthy foods and avoided fast food at all costs except for on my birthday. Despite talking to many people online, I felt emotionally unfulfilled, lonely, and despairing.

March, 2023

Social connections I made in February started drifting apart within a month due to lacking maturity, vision, and high values. Small talk no longer interests me; keeping contact with people whose personal values don't align just for the sake of building a network is exhausting. In March 2023, my attention shifted to work. I took part in a coding competition for the first time, spent weeks studying for a certification exam, and began contemplating the next step in my career to overcome stagnation.

While physically recovering from surgery was prominent, mental wellbeing remained uncertain. Impulsive shopping and binge eating became my coping mechanisms as I worked patiently towards breaking this toxic cycle.

Our long-time housemaid (who had stayed with us for 16 years before moving out) passed away during this month; she loved me very dearly! My mom made some lovely dresses for me that brought genuine happiness as summer approached.

I finished reading The Mahabharata by Bibek Debroy, Volume 7. I couldn't believe myself how I was still keeping with the story!

April, 2023

In April 2023, I had to balance studying with work because I was taking another certification exam this month. This was critical since I lacked prior knowledge in the subject and wanted to finish before my performance evaluation deadline. During the first two weeks, I didn't know what to study or if there were any paid resources available. I reached out to many strangers for help. By the third week, I had a clear understanding of the subject, but it took more time as I used free resources. At work, exciting short-term assignments helped me learn new tools.

After almost six months, I interviewed for a long-term assignment, but it wasn't apparent whether or not I got it by month-end. However, receiving a role-progression letter made me happy and hopeful that things were turning around positively! Unfortunately, at month-end when no revised compensation letter arrived - only an increased workload with my new responsibilities - I realized that while my title changed; there would be no raise/promotion forthcoming. There was for some happiness from knowing that my employer opened up an office in my home state!

With the work situation still lacking clarity, I grew more desperate to upgrade my knowledge and skills. After many years, I finally gathered enough courage to take the next step towards further education. Climate change felt real as temperatures reached 42-43 degrees at the start of summer. Family life was alright, although I felt extremely lonely from time to time. I came to terms with losing some friendships due to various reasons; it could be best for all of us. There were no major health concerns, but physical discomforts caused sleepless nights here and there.

I stopped trying so hard to make connections, find a partner, or get control of my life and left it up to God's plan for good.

May, 2023

In May 2023, the main theme was "studying for a test." I feel nervous about competitive exams with vast and vague syllabuses. My work life also picked up pace during this time. In the first week of May, I didn't have an attack plan for how to begin preparing for the exam. By the second week, I got into the habit of learning one or two new things every day and practicing my newly acquired skills. By the third week, I saw major progress from where I started and gained some confidence. Instead of worrying about parts of the syllabus that I wouldn't have time to study, I focused on what was manageable. Although there wasn't any passing criteria for this exam, it went well with God's blessings; however, unsure if I would be selected or not. To keep myself calm and collected, convinced myself that results were out of my control- losing sleep over them wouldn't help matters much either way.

By fourth week's end came along with good news: surprisingly enough -I had passed!

At work, I had a critical responsibility when an experienced colleague left the project and I had to take over. Although there wasn't much time for the handover, formalities delayed my training, allowing me to focus on the test. By the end of the third week, I received some resources for my new work. Instead of utilizing the entire month, my training took place in just three or four days before my colleague left.

The summer of 2023 was more intense than any previous year; those who don't believe in climate change are delusional. We survived only because scattered thunderstorms temporarily cooled down the earth. My social life was quiet as I raised walls high enough to avoid unnecessary drama.

During one week at our house, one of my cousins enjoyed some excellent dishes cooked by Mom.

I finished reading The Mahabharata by Bibek Debroy, Volume 8. - Boy it was such an intense one!

June, 2023

June 2023 was a month of burnout, inexplicable unease, and waiting. My physical health was fine, but I did experience some internal troubles occasionally. My social life was non-existent; I couldn't even say if I had any true friends in my life - not those from high school or the ones who always took advantage of me - but those who genuinely cared for me (if there were any).

For the first three weeks of the month, I eagerly awaited an interview. The waiting time was daunting, especially because I couldn't focus on my preparation. I knew there was an upcoming interview sometime this month, but I just couldn't convince myself to sit down and concentrate.

After the interview was over, I was supposed to start studying for another certification. However, the problem remained the same. I couldn't find anything to motivate me or push me into reading. To ease my mind, after more than twelve years, I picked up embroidery again. We learned embroidery and knitting from fifth to eighth grade. Unlike my classmates, I found it calming back then and that hasn't changed over this decade of running in academic and corporate races.

I applied to a product review campaign and didn't get any reimbursement for loopholes in the process.

No matter what I did, I constantly felt uneasy throughout the entire month. I stopped journaling after 2 years and quit reading bedtime stories. It felt like insanity was gradually taking over me. I kept having dreams about people who had passed away, friends with whom I am no longer close, places my heart longs to visit, little adventures of trying new food or walking into unknown neighborhoods, and peace in general.

After a long time, my work-life started gaining momentum as if I was slowly transitioning to more meaningful and structured work. Although it was challenging, I thoroughly enjoyed learning new things.

Regarding my family, my mom fell really sick this month along with my sister. Fortunately, God has been kind enough to keep my dad healthy during this time. To make matters worse, our domestic help took an unexpectedly long vacation during this period but returned after I insisted that my parents confront her over a call. The new AC in the house was like blessing, it saved us from the scorching heat of the summer.

July, 2023

In July 2023, I found comfort in a slower-paced life. In the first week, I eagerly awaited the university's publication of the list of selected candidates. Based on my interview experience, I wasn't confident about the outcome. However, I reminded myself that regardless of what happened, it was important to rest and avoid feeling guilty for not studying.

By the end of the second week, I received great news - I was accepted into the program! A few days later, I received the offer letter. Although my family was happy for me, their response seemed somewhat unenthusiastic. To secure admission, I needed an official letter from my employer and had to inform my manager at work. Surprisingly enough, my manager responded positively and helped me complete all necessary paperwork on time.

Over the next two weeks, I had to fill out forms and submit original documents while also paying a portion of the fee to accept my seat in the program. In the last week before classes started, we had an online orientation that gave me a taste of college life after a long time! Coincidentally, one of my classmates from undergrad was also in this program.

My work presented exciting and challenging assignments throughout this month. Although there were obstacles along the way, patience and perseverance helped me getting through.

The cookies I ordered last month arrived, and I shared them equally with my sister. This month, we tried cookies from two different small businesses. One turned out well, while the other was just okay.

I used to enjoy exploring new restaurants a few years ago, but now my life has changed. Living in a small town is fulfilling in many ways, but it lacks the luxuries of the city. I have more restrictions on spending now because I need to save for my higher education. Additionally, I can't eat fast food anymore since I had my gallbladder removed.

I'm trying to find a balance between being responsible and having fun. I want to express my gratitude for getting a refund on the application fee from another university that canceled their program after a long wait.

I finished one small embroidery project which helped me relax and destress. Going for walks as often as possible also played a big role in keeping me sane.

Losing weight becomes much more difficult when your mother cooks delicious meals all the time, your metabolism slows down, and you have to sit for long hours at work.

My family was healthy this month. We visited our guruji in the first week. It's important to remember to take care of our soul, just like our body and mind. I dealt with loneliness by staying busy, but sometimes I felt really down. Occasionally, I talked with my classmates from school and college - I wish there was someone I could share my excitement and anxious thoughts with.

August, 2023

In August 2023, my life was more exciting and filled with a lot of work. In the first week, I eagerly awaited the start of classes - after all, we would have the semester at the end of the year. So not having our classes started doesn't actually feel like a relaxing vacation anymore. Classes finally started in the second week - for this semester, they would commence on Saturdays between 9 AM to 5 PM. Attending college felt real when I joined the live class.

Within two weeks of our first class, we also had a quiz. This month, I had a lot going on at work as well - it was very challenging to maintain work-life balance. I missed out on my evening walks more often than I liked and experienced terrible back and joint pain from sitting for long hours.

My family life was okay. We said goodbye to our old fridge and got a new one. We finally bought a convection oven. I had wanted to bake something in an oven for years, but getting what I always wanted made me more anxious than excited. Pursuing higher education is expensive for me now, so I have to be more careful with spending. My excitement gradually returned, and I baked my first cake and Focaccia bread in our new oven. Baking has always been a creative outlet and relaxing activity for me, and it didn't disappoint. My health was fine, but my mother's and sister's health declined this month. I also discovered that I no longer enjoy meat-based meals like before. Although I didn't meet any friends in person, I did catch up with some over the phone.

September, 2023

The month of September flew by quickly. In terms of work, I was able to do some interesting tasks and also find time to rest. While we were finishing up the current project, we needed to find another exciting use-case with the same client in order to extend our contract. I didn't have much involvement in the brainstorming and business proposals for that. It would have been great to learn how my manager and his bosses present use-cases to the client and identify the right problems to solve. However, I had to focus on my own responsibilities because taking on extra work would take away precious time for me to recharge myself.

As far as my college experience and studying are concerned, things took a rather interesting turn. After paying the hefty semester fee, it suddenly started feeling more real than attending classes or taking the first test. I didn't make any friends and had to be mindful of people's motives. Things are quite different when you put a group of working professionals with varying ages and expertise in a classroom; I barely felt sincerity and warmth in their company - people just wanted to get their degree and move on. This month we received our first assignment and took the second quiz of the semester. I was extremely disappointed after taking the test because it was much more advanced than what I had prepared for. Studying from the internet is even more challenging when you don't know what to study, where to begin, or how extensively you need to understand each topic before moving on to the next one.

For the assignment, I teamed up with another girl who had been a straight-A student throughout her life. She motivated me to do better but also brought out my jealousy and insecurity issues that I thought were resolved.

The main theme of my family life this month was health. I realized that I needed to be more proactive about my mother's health to ensure she received timely medical attention for various issues. My sister's prolonged back pain also worried us. Thankfully, my dad was managing with God's blessings. I felt fatigued most of the time and struggled to balance work, study, and family time. While I did manage to make some pizzas this month, unfortunately, I dropped the last one on the floor which prevented me from baking for the rest of the month.

I hardly went out for evening walks and felt trapped within the four walls of my room, yearning for fresh air. Additionally, expenses were high this month and trying to save money seemed like depriving myself of joy in life. In preparation for next month's puja ceremony, I bought a saree for myself and gifted some contemporary fake jewelries to relatives.

Overall, loneliness seemed to be a recurring theme throughout 2023 as it was challenging for me to stay positive and keep moving forward.

October, 2023

The month of October began on a weekend, and I was still upset about the terrible pop quiz. Even though I had a busy schedule for the upcoming weeks, I couldn't bring myself to study, go for a walk, watch a movie, or do anything at all. In the first week of October, I had to submit my first assignment of this semester. Since we didn't have much hope for the quiz, we saw the assignment as our chance to redeem ourselves. I had never struggled so hard for such a short assignment in my life... One of my cousins from my dad's side visited us with his wife and father-in-law during that week. It had been over ten years since I last saw him but the week was so hectic that I could barely sit down for a few minutes. My cousin seemed unfamiliar with remote work and he probably thought I was rude and unsociable instead of just being extremely busy during his visit.

For my dad's persistent persuasion, my cousin extended their stay from a 3-day visit to over a week. His father-in-law passed out while having lunch with us, which frightened everyone. Since our maid also left during that same week, my mom had a difficult time managing household chores and taking care of the guests. She was genuinely unwell, and the extra work pushed her to her limits.

After the busy week of assignments, we had a week filled with quizzes. It felt like we were all overworked and burning out. I booked a flight for myself and my mother so that I could write my on-campus end semester exams by the year end. Initially, I planned to go with my female classmate and share a room with her for 2-3 days. However, when she mentioned that she would be bringing her mother along on the trip, I made the spontaneous decision to take my mom instead.

My parents had already considered going with me initially but I dismissed it since I relied on my classmate who was supposed to travel together. During this time, I also had an appraisal discussion and closure meeting adding even more tasks to an already overflowing schedule.

In the third week of October, I asked my aunt to find a cook for us because my mom's health problems were causing concern for all of us. I insisted that she continue her treatment, which had started in September but was interrupted due to my dad's travel and guests arriving immediately after his return. We made little progress as Durga Puja/Navaratri coincided with this time and most doctors were unavailable. Before Puja, we noticed evidence of her stomach pain, which required a thorough check-up. The excitement of Puja did not erase the fear and anxiety building up in our minds. I didn't take any days off from work, saving my leave for emergencies. I went out on a few days to pray to Goddess Durga but mostly stayed indoors doing my regular work.

The last week of October was the busiest time of the month. After Dusshera, I eagerly awaited my mom consulting a specialist doctor. Unfortunately, the doctors informed us that she needed two different surgeries for two completely separate issues in her stomach. My mom's health had always been a cause for concern but we never anticipated it becoming our worst nightmare come true.

Among all this chaos, I received an email from my employer asking me to return to the office right after my end semester exam. My heart sank as I read the news because my office is in a different state and I needed to work remotely now more than ever with my ongoing classes and mom's surgeries coming up.

My office work was going well this month. We were finding new ways to extend our business relations with our client while also working on the promised deliverables. I asked my supervisor for guidance on transitioning to hybrid work.

Difficulties in life are not permanent; they provide us with a great opportunity to strengthen our bond with the divine. The month of October kept reminding me of that over and over again.

November, 2023

The month of November 2023 was incredibly busy for me academically. I had three quizzes, two assignments, and one coding competition. Unfortunately, my teammate in the group assignments turned out to be very ineffective. I knew that my classmate needed help with coding tasks, so I was prepared to do most of the work for those questions. For the theory-based assignment, she had done a lot of work ahead of time, which seemed fine initially.

However, the two coding assignments were much more important than the first assignment alone, and my friend didn't do any work at all. Her only contribution was messaging me every other day to ask me to update my progress and explain the code. The problem statements seemed simple at first but became more complex as I delved into finding a solution - it definitely wasn't something one person could handle alone. As our semester exam was scheduled for December 1st, and we had classes until the last weekend of November, it was challenging to prepare for weekly quizzes, make progress on assignments, and study for the written test. Since my teammate had more time to research topics and prepare for the exam, I occasionally asked her for online resources that she found helpful. However, I soon realized that my teammate had no intention of assisting me but would readily accept my help whenever possible.

I was getting increasingly frustrated every week dealing with an entitled opportunist, but I tried to stay calm. Although my team consisted of just one person, God sent some sincere people my way. Even though I hadn't made many friends yet, some of my classmates helped me greatly in overcoming the challenges.

Coming to my work life, it was less eventful. Each day's routine looked different. As my studies took up a lot of time and effort, I needed to find creative ways to be more proactive at work - to ensure I could complete everyday tasks efficiently in less time than usual. I'm grateful that I could work remotely during this time; otherwise, it would have been much more challenging.

My family focused on health this month. We consulted multiple doctors to determine the necessary surgeries for my mother and their priority. My dad took my mom to all the appointments, while I also dealt with recurring health issues. Additionally, we celebrated Diwali and Kalipuja, significant festivals in our hometown. Despite my busy schedule, I made time for pandal hopping with my family. It was challenging to fit in the festivities, but who knows where life will take me next year!

My mental health and body suffered this month. I experienced a mental breakdown almost every week. Finally, at the end of November, I traveled to Hyderabad after 3 years to take my semester exam.

December, 2023

On December 1st and 2nd, I took my semester exam. It was a humbling experience. As a straight A student for most of my life, I never expected to feel so anxious just to pass a test. Despite her poor health, my mom traveled with me to the campus. We had booked our flight tickets long before she was diagnosed, and she knew about my anxiety before the exam, especially since it had been three years since I last left home and wrote a subjective exam.
My college campus was huge and tastefully decorated. Despite the cost of the trip, we enjoyed our time there. The professors seemed friendlier in person. After the exams, I was invited to my college friend's apartment. My mother and I spent the night there and enjoyed some Dosa for breakfast. Later, I went out to meet two former colleagues - a girl my age who worked on the same project as me, and a guy who was technically senior to me and had a one-year-old daughter whom I wanted to see. It was great catching up with all of them!

After coming home, our main focus was on my mother. I couldn't be more grateful to have her support during my exam and now I needed to find a doctor for a second opinion, figure out the paperwork for insurance, and locate a hospital. By the beginning of the second week, our grades were published and I officially completed the first semester. This month is our semester break and it's perfect timing. In the second and third weeks of December, I went with my parents to the hospital where I consulted with the same doctor as my mother for my ongoing treatment.

This month, I had more time for work. However, I have been feeling burnt out because I haven't had a break between work, studies, and family matters. In the last week of the month, we scheduled my mom's surgery at our desired hospital. The surgeon preferred another lesser-known clinic for the procedure. Although she initially presented her preference as an option, we decided to stick with our choice. Unfortunately, she became upset at the last moment and left us in an unpleasant situation.

When the doctor refused to perform the surgery at our preferred hospital, we remained calm and didn't immediately try to persuade her or change our decision. Since we had already spent a large amount of money on tests prior to the surgery, it would have been very difficult to find another surgeon in the same hospital and have the surgery on the same date. We liked how she explained the treatment and also wanted to consider her recommended clinic. However, after visiting the clinic twice and discussing the estimated expenses for the procedure, it made more sense for us to stick with our initial choice of hospital. Eventually, the doctor agreed and performed the surgery at our chosen hospital.

The hospital was far from our home, so going there for consultations, tests, and ultimately the surgery was hectic. We admitted mom to the hospital a day before the surgery, and my sister volunteered to stay with her. I stayed back at home but took care of the admission, discharge, and insurance paperwork. It was the same hospital where I had my own surgery in January this year... So it felt like déjà vu for me. I didn't feel as distressed this time, but I still worried about her well-being. Mom returned home from the hospital on December 30th. We spent New Year's Eve at home resting and getting ready for another year ahead!