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ENFJs are puzzling to me

Some observations about ENFJ type, maybe a bit about INFJ too

the pandalien

Jul 21

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Introverted Intuition (Ni) — This meme from here makes me question if I just met the wrong ENFJs, but then again it’s all in work setting.

I really don’t get you guys.

Somewhere in there you share the same introverted intuition, but you don’t get down the blackhole of cynicism that it can lead to. How?

I have encountered & worked closely with 2 INFJs, 3 ENFJs in my life (interestingly 4 males 1 female), I start to gain some understanding of what the NFJ variant looks like, act like, and somewhat think like. You are quite practical, sometimes comes off as cold (or maybe you really are that cold and calculating), at least to me.

I don’t want to write about MBTI exclusively on my blog/newsletter (that nobody but me reads) because for some time now I just stop thinking about people in this way. But I cannot deny that MBTI does help me classify and handle communication with people in a more … patient & effective manner.

But with NFJ type I often find this particularly challenging. It’s not that I ever get to the explosive point with you. Not at all, it’s just … I don’t quite understand you, and it really bugs me.

Things I don’t get about ENFJs

You always play positive

About bloody everything. This honestly intrigues and frustrates me. When oh when can you actually just accept that some thing is actually bad and … I don’t know, show it? What the hell is that extraverted feeling for?

Don’t get me wrong, I never felt like you play down somebody’s mishaps. But you have this persistent stubbornness of painting everything as positive, that baffles me.

I always have to double check my bullshit-detector around you.

Do you mean what you said?

You always say the right things, but I don’t quite get the emotions out of it. I hear the words, they sound right, but they don’t feel right. It’s like I know those words are the right thing to say in such situation but then I wonder if you really mean it. This is a frequent theme with ENFJs I worked with.

Actually on second thought I just realize this maybe just a me/INTJ problem - where I actually mean what I say, always. The exception is when I don’t want to share certain information with you. Maybe everybody just say things they don’t mean and I’m the odd one out.

I cannot read your emotions either

In fact, in all my interactions with NFJs type, it actually makes me question which one is the more ‘emotional’ type. I started diving into the difference between how Fe vs Fi behave differently. And somewhere in between there is that disconnect. I cannot relate to you, you cannot relate to me.

I honestly wonder a lot after each ENFJ interaction. I always second-guess if I said something wrong or if I come across as rude (because I do not want to come off as rude to people who are nice and kind to me, and you are - kind of - I think so?).

I suppose we share somewhat a common frustration when trying to read each other’s emotions. At some points I just accept to not bother trying to understand, not every puzzle has to be solved.

Things I think I understand about ENFJs

You can make waves (?) - I actually like this side of ENFJs. On some occasions I’d be rolling around in eternal analysis paralysis on how to respond an email and then the ENFJ just swings in write something incredibly detached & cold (even to my standard) to wipe the floor with the enemy (oh wait you guys don’t have enemy). Love it when I see this in action. I think the only times where ENFJs would not do this is when it directly hurts your … agenda/ goals/ something that you deem important. (point #3)
You do not like confronting things that require some sense of acceptance of defeat
I think the reason why you always play positive is because you think that it makes people feel better about the circumstances? I respect this choice … but I usually lean on the other side: I want unfiltered reality.
You are calculating - I don’t mean this in a bad way. I honestly sometimes feel like I need to adopt that worldview a bit from you to be less worked up about certain things. For instance you give zero care about world problems, or at least you seem that way externally. All ENFJs I know are very invested in making more monies, and that’s where their entire energy is directed, their conversations target, their network are built, their life their habits everything is directed towards that. You can go party with some dudes you just met 5 seconds ago because they may lead you to a sales deal (yeah the ENFJs I know all are in business development to some extent). I have zero ability or mental capacity for this.
Because of the point above you seem - to me - as pretty cold (which is odd right because obviously you care about people’s feelings hence you always play positive?) and unreliable at times. I have hard time identifying your morality to be honest. Whenever I interact with people I usually get some sense of their … stance, but with ENFJs it’s usually like bubble in air. Is it something? Is it nothing? I can never tell.
Do you like being flattered? I don’t know - maybe you secretly do but you don’t want to seem like you do. Again, you guys are freaking hard to read. And not that I ever flatter anyone (oops) but I just observe people flatter each other and this question pops up in my head.

Just realized #4 is “another point I do not understand about ENFJ” rather than do.

Anyways, that is all. Get it all off my chest. I don’t really know how to interact with ENFJs. I wonder if I make them feel disoriented similarly but I’d usually go with my rule “If I cannot understand you, I won’t get close”.

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