I Hated Dating-And Here’s Why I Think You Should Too.On solitude, standards and finding someone worth disturbing your peace for.
Unlike most people my age, I have always abhorred the idea of relationships. Despite being a secret hopeless romantic at heart, I only ever dreamed about the beginning of a relationship. Not the middle, and certainly, not the end. Ever since I learned what dating was, I had a feeling that it simply wasn’t for me. I was content to only go on dates whenever I feel like it, and live the rest of my life alone in a castle, like Enya. Which is why, I’d like to take this brief moment to apologize to all the men I’ve dated—and there weren’t many, by the way—for never being completely invested in our relationships. You were all right, in that aspect. And I sincerely hope you’re all happier now, whoever you’re with. I suppose it all worked out for the best, in the end. But let’s get back to the fact that I hated dating—and why I think you should, too. For starters, I believe being picky about who you date is one of the best ways to protect your peace. It forces you to pay attention early, to notice the red flags before you become emotionally attached, and ideally, to save yourself from having to learn the same lessons the hard way. And then there’s the part of dating I hated the most: the work.I grew up seeing my fair share of both toxic and healthy relationships. Read and watched enough reality dating shows, too. I’ve watched people fall deeply in love, build lives together and somehow make it work. But I’ve also watched people give everything to one another, only to eventually tear each other apart. And strangely enough, I never particularly liked the idea of either. Not because I find people in love disgusting. Quite the opposite, in fact. There is something beautiful and rare, about loving someone so deeply that you’re willing to let them into every corner of your life. It’s the letting them in part that has always terrified me. The idea of sharing everything with one person is, to me, almost appalling. From your secrets, to your insecurities, your routines, money, family, your future.All of your softest, ugliest, most vulnerable parts of you. It’s essentially like putting all your eggs into one basket, trusting that the basket won’t be made of rotten wicker—or riddled with holes. And perhaps what fascinates me the most is how much people are willing to do this over and over again, hoping that they’ll finally find one basket simply steady enough to hold all their eggs. Especially when there is always a possibility that one day, that wicker will break and they’d end up as strangers again. How do you spend years telling someone everything, letting them know you in ways nobody else does, building an entire little universe together—and then one day, you’re supposed to pretend that universe never existed? As someone who have always had a hard time letting people in, I’ve always found that concept incredibly jarring. To me, it felt like voluntarily handing someone the keys to your house and simply hoping that they wouldn’t burn it down. On the other hand, it can be very lonely as well. I’d go through both high school and my university years watching my friends move from one relationship to another, while I couldn’t even bring myself to casually date. I would develop an exit plan days before the date even happened. It’s not the guy’s fault, though. I don’t hate the guys I’ve dated, it’s just…I hate the awkward conversations, the awkward meals and the awkward walk or drive back home. I hated it. I hated that I felt the need to do this, but somehow, there seemed to be no other way. My mind couldn’t seem to comprehend the difference between going on a date and being threatened. So…how does this actually help in the long run?When you hate dating, you tend to become pickier about who you allow into your life. You learn to notice the qualities you know you couldn’t tolerate early on, rather than convincing yourself that you’ll somehow learn to live with them later. And that can save you more than just time. It can save you from the emotional turmoil of investing months, or years of your life, into someone who was never right for you in the first place. Because I didn’t date much, I spent most of my quality time by myself. And I loved every second of it. There is a particular beauty in learning how to enjoy your own company. In romanticizing your days alone. Picking up a book, going somewhere by yourself, learning something new, or simply spending an entire afternoon doing exactly what you want without having to consider someone else’s needs, feelings or schedule.
I became very comfortable with my own peace, and perhaps, that was the best thing that could have happened to me. Because years after I’ve loved being with my own company, I met my boyfriend. It’s important to know that hating dating didn’t mean swearing off love entirely. It just means that you have to be very aware of what you are willing to give up for it. If I had to choose between going on a date with a man I was barely comfortable with and spending the day with my friends, you could bet I’d choose the latter. Every single time. And eventually, that made me realize something. Whoever I ended up spending the rest of my life with had to be someone who was worth my time and attention. Being with him had to feel better than being with myself. Someone whose presence could make my life better than my solitude ever could. He had to be worth the vulnerability. Worth the inconvenience, the compromises. Worth letting someone else into the little world I had spent so much time building for myself. He had to be worth giving up some of my peace for, to willingly plunge into the beautiful chaos of building a life together. Which is why, I believe that you should learn to hate dating, too.For the longest time, I thought my inability to enjoy going on casual dates meant something was wrong with me. While everyone else seemed to be excited about having someone new, I was busy looking for the nearest exit. I thought I was afraid of love, of commitment in general. Now that I’m older, went through all the things I needed to go through, it was then that I realized I was simply unwilling to settle for a version of it that required me to abandon myself. And then, eventually, I met someone who made me reconsider everything I thought I knew about relationships. Someone who made spending time together feel less like sacrificing my freedom and more like sharing it. Someone who doesn’t make my world smaller, but gave me another person to explore it with. I still don’t particularly love dating. I still think it can be awkward, exhausting and occasionally absurd. But I finally understand why people do it. Because when you find someone who makes you think, ‘I’d rather spend my time with you than spend it alone’, the chaos doesn’t feel like chaos anymore. It feels like a choice. And that’s what, I believe, love should be. Not finding someone you cannot live without, but finding someone you can live perfectly well without—yet, choosing them anyway. So yes, I hated dating. And honestly? I think that’s exactly how I learned how to love properly. Sincerely, Cherie. The Whiffler is free today. But if you enjoyed this post, you can tell The Whiffler that their writing is valuable by pledging a future subscription. You won't be charged unless they enable payments.
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