The Death of the Damsel in Distress.On changing gender roles, modern romance and why wanting to be cared for shouldn’t make a woman weak.
Times have truly changed. Lately, I’ve been noticing how much our gender roles are starting to shift. Men are increasingly encouraged to be more in touch with their emotions and their softer, more traditionally “feminine” sides, while women are encouraged to embrace traits that were once considered more masculine: to be more independent, assertive, stoic and ambitious. Think about it. When was the last time we watched a television series or a film where the male lead was expected to constantly chase the woman? To remain emotionally distant, stoic and in control at all times? More and more, we’re seeing male leads become the ones who are forced to confront their feelings. To open up, be vulnerable and allow themselves to be seen by the woman they love. And the reverse seems to be happening with the female leads. We see women who are expected to become more stoic and self-sufficient, encouraged to “choose themselves”, build lives of their own and find meaning outside of romance. Sure, the love story can still exist, but it is no longer necessarily the story. It reminded me of a scene in the recent rom-com People We Meet on Vacation.
Poppy is more free-spirited, career-driven character while Alex is the quieter, more cautious romantic. The dynamic itself already feels like the reversal of the traditional rom-com formula we know and love. And when Poppy finally realizes what she wants, she is the one who has to confront her feelings and go after him. She literally chases Alex down the street while he’s out running, despite the fact that she hates running, just so she can tell him how she feels. To me, that scene felt like the opposite version of the typical ‘man chasing after the woman through the busy airport’. Though I had to admit, there’s something refreshing about seeing a woman asserting her power, knowing what she wants and having the courage to chase after it. But then again, it also says quite a lot about how our romantic stories have changed. The woman is no longer necessarily waiting to be pursued. If she wants someone, she can be the one doing the pursuing. And hey, if that’s you, I believe that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. I just can’t help wondering if we’re witnessing the death of the “damsel in distress”—not necessarily the helpless woman who needs saving, but the romantic ideal of a woman who can let herself be pursued, cared for and swept off her feet. One of the first examples that comes to mind is Princess Aurora from Maleficent. I wouldn’t necessarily call her a “helpless woman.” She is a princess, after all, with an entire army of fairies—and Maleficent—behind her. And yet, when she needs saving, her prince still comes to her rescue. It’s a fairytale, of course. But that’s exactly why I find myself missing stories like these. Stories where a woman can be strong and capable, and still be allowed to be rescued. Where she doesn’t have to prove that she can do everything on her own, simply because she’s capable of doing so. Where being cared for doesn’t diminish her strength, and being saved doesn’t make her any less independent.
Elle Fanning, who played Princess Aurora, spoke about this once in an interview for Harper’s Bazaar. To her, being a modern Disney princess meant being true to yourself—to be the most you you can be. She then described Aurora as “kind and accepting and soft”, while emphasizing that “there is such a strength and vulnerability in her softness”. Perhaps that is what makes Aurora so interesting to me. She is so openly romantic. She wants love, marriage and a family—and Fanning herself, in that interview, saw no contradiction between those desires and being a strong, modern woman. In that interview, she said:
And I think she has a point. These days, women are no longer expected to sit around waiting to be saved by a man. We are expected to save ourselves—to pick ourselves up from our troubles and find our own way out of whatever darkness we’ve found ourselves in. And perhaps, once we’ve made it through, the man we love is simply there on the other side, ready to walk alongside us. That’s actually a good thing, in retrospect. But I can’t help missing the kind of femininity I used to find in romantic stories—not the helplessness of the traditional “damsel in distress”, but the freedom to be soft without apologizing for it. The freedom to want to be loved, to be cared for by a good man, get married or even be rescued once in a while, without feeling as though any of these desires somehow diminish everything else that makes us strong. This shift doesn’t just exist on our screens too. It transcends into our personal relationships as well.
Nowadays, I’m starting to notice how women are increasingly expected to make the first move in the subtle ways. To “throw a bone” to a man they like, just so it’d make her interest clear enough for him to know that he’s safe enough to “chase” her. Sometimes, based on the dating stories I’ve heard from my friends, women are even expected to do more than half of the chasing. As a woman and a romantic myself, I find it a little disheartening that there seems to be an even greater expectation for women to look pretty and presentable, learn the hobbies and interests of the men we like, and find ways to make ourselves stand out in a crowd. All while pretending that we’re not trying too hard, because somehow, even when we’re the ones already doing the chasing, we’re still expected to make him feel as though he was the one who found us. Perhaps this is to preserve some sense of traditional masculinity. Perhaps it’s simply a reflection of how dating has changed. Either way, men seem less likely to openly pursue a woman’s attention in the way they once did. They’re no longer “peacocking”—you know, like how a male peacock spreads his feathers when he spots a female he wants to impress, hoping she’ll choose him. And then I find myself wondering something even more concerning: If this keeps on happening, what will relationships look like for our future generations? Because if I ever have a daughter, I wouldn’t want her to spend her life trying desperately to earn a man’s attention. I’d want her to be happy and accomplished in her own right. I’d want her to have a life so full, that a man would be lucky to be invited into it. And if I ever have a son, I wouldn’t want to raise him to believe that pursuing a woman he genuinely loves somehow makes him less of a man. I’d want him to understand that there’s nothing humiliating about making an effort, showing interest or going after someone he sees a future with—as long as he respects her boundaries and accepts her answer. Maybe that is what I want for the both of them: not for my daughter to be chased, or for my son to do the chasing, but for them to grow up knowing that love should never require either person to make themselves smaller just to be wanted. No one should ever have to diminish themselves just to feel worthy of being loved. And no one should have to measure their worth by how many romantic experiences they’ve had, how many people have desired them, or how easily they can attract someone’s attention. Love should be beautiful. It should be sacred. It should be something deeply personal, shared between two people who choose each other freely—not a measure of our worth, our desirability or our success as human beings. At least, that’s how I see it. Sincerely, Cherie. [PS: I was listening to ‘Baby Can I Hold You’ by Tracy Chapman, after hours-long of phone call with my boyfriend, hence the sentimentality, ha.] The Whiffler is free today. But if you enjoyed this post, you can tell The Whiffler that their writing is valuable by pledging a future subscription. You won't be charged unless they enable payments.
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