How blaming families distracts from the real problem

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	Forwarded this email? Subscribe here for more Parent Blame and the Politicisation of Neurodivergent Children’s Lives How blaming families distracts from the real problem David Gray-Hammond Sep 4   READ IN APP   When things go wrong in the lives of neurodivergent children, particularly Autistic children, society is quick to look for someone to blame. Too often, the finger is pointed at parent or carers. If a child struggles in education, it must be the parents’ fault for not enforcing homework. If a child’s health deteriorates, the parent must not be trying hard enough to keep appointments or follow medical advice. If a child becomes distressed and aggressive, it is assumed that the parent has failed in discipline or boundaries. This culture of parent blame has become woven into the way education, health, and social care systems interact with families. Yet behind it lies a deeper political truth; the lives of neurodivergent children are being politicised. Blaming parents not only shifts responsibility away from failing services but also disguises the structural issues caused by years of underfunding and privatisation. Get 75% Off Your Subcription The Persistence of Parent Blame Parent blame is not a new phenomenon. Historically, mothers of Autistic children were accused of being “refrigerator mothers,” supposedly too cold and unloving to foster healthy development. Though this discredited theory has been abandoned by psychologists, its cultural shadow remains. Parents of Autistic and otherwise neurodivergent children are still routinely scrutinised, and scapegoated. In education, parents are told their children would do better if they only pushed harder, were more consistent, or stopped excusing bad behaviour. In health, parents are often framed as anxious or overprotective if they advocate for more thorough assessments or better support. In social care, families who fight for provision risk being labelled as difficult, obstructive, or even abusive via accusations of Fabricated or Induced Illness (FII). This widespread practice of parent blame ensures that when outcomes for neurodivergent children are poor, the responsibility is individualised rather than recognised as systemic. The parents carry the weight of political failures rather than those who make the decisions being held accountable. View My Books How Parent Blame Politicises Neurodivergent Lives Every act of parent blame is political, whether explicitly stated or not. To blame parents is to claim that the struggles of neurodivergent children stem from private failings rather than public ones. It’s a narrative that serves the state by diverting attention from the collapse of infrastructure. When a child cannot access appropriate support in school, the focus shifts to the parent’s supposed lack of resilience rather than the cuts to Special Educational Needs (SEN) funding. When a child deteriorates on a waiting list for mental health support, professionals may accuse parents of neglect rather than acknowledge the chronic underfunding of mental health services. When families fall into crisis, social care may frame the home as unstable, instead of recognising the years of austerity that have gutted local authority provision and suppirt for families. By politicising children’s lives in this way, governments and service providers transform structural neglect into personal failure. Parent blame thus becomes an ideological tool, propping up neoliberal policies of austerity and privatisation. The failures of families become the point of government debate as opposed to the human cost of defunding vital public services. Distraction From Cuts and Privatisation It is no coincidence that the persistence of parent blame has grown alongside decades of cuts to education, health, and social care budgets. In the UK, austerity measures since 2010 have dismantled much of the public safety net. Services that once provided specialist, consistent support for Autistic and otherwise neurodivergent children have been replaced with patchwork provision, often outsourced to private providers motivated by profit rather than care. What services remain operate a crisis-driven intervention model whereby little is done until the point of irreversible harm. This privatisation of public services thrives on the narrative of parent blame. If families can be framed as difficult, dysfunctional, or demanding, then the shortcomings of outsourced services are less likely to be challenged. If professionals can redirect frustration toward families, then local authorities and private providers escape accountability. In this way, parent blame functions as a smokescreen. It keeps the public conversation centred on personal responsibility rather than collective justice. It ensures that austerity’s victims are also its scapegoats. It is a defensive practice that echoes the coercive control of an abusive partner with systems and governments practicing the concept of DARVO. Deny wrongdoing Attack the victim Reverse Victim and Offender The Emotional and Practical Toll on Families Beyond politics, the practice of blaming parent carers has a devastating human impact. Families already stretched to breaking point by systemic failures are further burdened by shame and suspicion. Instead of being treated as allies in their children’s care, parents are cast as obstacles. This dynamic erodes trust between families and professionals, making collaborative support nearly impossible. Parents may avoid seeking help for fear of being judged. Children may be denied services if their parents are considered too difficult. The result is a cycle of worsening outcomes, which in turn generates more blame; a vicious loop sustained by the very systems that claim to protect children. The emotional toll is equally severe. Many parents internalise the narratives of blame, experiencing guilt and anxious isolation. Others burn out from the relentless need to prove themselves to professionals who view them with suspicion. In every case, the child at the centre suffers as the family’s capacity to advocate and provide care is steadily worn down. The system creates the problem and then pins the blame on it's victims. Building Neurodivergent Competent Systems Instead of Blame The alternative to parent blame is not simple praise of parents but the construction of neurodivergent competent systems. Schools, healthcare, and social care must operate from an understanding of Autistic and neurodivergent realities, rather than neuronormative assumptions. This means recognising that many so-called “challenging behaviours” are expressions of distress, that rigid expectations often exacerbate difficulties. Rather than scapegoating parents, professionals should treat them as vital partners in shaping effective provision. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with this family?” systems should ask, “What do we need to change so this family is supported?” More than anything, professionals need to understand the cultural and social experiences of neurodivergent families in a personal and actionable way. Such a shift would not only improve outcomes for neurodivergent children but also reveal the inadequacy of austerity politics. By centring structural change rather than personal blame, we make visible the need for properly funded, publicly accountable services. It is this, perhaps, that forms the systemic rationale for parent blame. If we stop blaming the parents or carers, we are left to acknowledge that our government has failed us on nearly every front. Resisting the Narrative of Parent Blame Families and advocates must continue to resist the narrative of parent blame. Naming it for what it is, an ideological tool, undermines its power. By highlighting the systemic roots of poor outcomes, we redirect attention to where it belongs;funding cuts and service closures, and the privatisation of care. Campaigns that document the harm caused by austerity, and neurodivergent-led initiatives that amplify lived experience all play crucial roles in dismantling the culture of blame. We are powerful as a collective. In the end, it is not parents who are failing neurodivergent children. It is systems that have been dismantled, and stripped of resources. The politicisation of our children’s lives demands a collective response; one that insists on justice and the end of austerity’s shadow over neurodivergent futures. Buy David A Coffee Conclusion The practice of blaming parent carers for the negative outcomes of their neurodivergent children is more than unfair, it is political, it is ideological. It individualises systemic failings, protects governments from accountability, and distracts from the deep wounds inflicted by funding cuts and privatisation. For Autistic and otherwise neurodivergent children to thrive, we must abandon the culture of parent blame and instead fight for neurodivergent competent, publicly funded services. Our children’s lives should not be politicised in the service of austerity. They should be nurtured in communities that recognise and support their authentic selves. Work With David This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. 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